Charlie's Book of Short Stories

I'm fine [Warning]

There's some stuff in this one that might be upsetting for some people.

Welcome to the incoherent rambling of a sleep deprived individual who had nothing better to do at 2AM one night.

~~~Start~~~

How could I possibly feel like this? After all, I've had everything handed to me all my life. I was the clever one, the funny one, the one who never let anything -no matter how big or small- get to them. At what point did my life get so bad? What gave me the right to feel like this?

My friends know so much about me (I never quite mastered the art of keeping a secret). And yet they've never really seen my at my lowest. I kept that part hidden behind walls of fake laughter and smiles. Where were they when the walls started to crack? They caught glimpses of what was behind and turned away, leaving me with my demons, utterly alone.

Do they know about my past? The years of being used as a punching bag for my siblings. The months where someone I trusted took advantage of an 8 year olds naivety and innocence and left me broken for years. The days and nights where I'd sit quietly in my room wondering whether it was worth carrying on.

Do they know what its like for me to realise that my mind, the only thing I've been able to rely on all this time, is slowly slipping away from me? Do they realise what its like to try to do the things you love, with the people you love only to be immediately put down, and made to feel awful for once wanting to put yourself first? Do they know what its like to look down at the arms I know I'm going to maul later that night?

Does anyone ever notice when I'm not myself? Do they notice when I go quiet, or dismiss it as normal? Can any of them actually hear the cries for help or are they not listening?

Every day I fight my silent battle, and every day I notice it getting more and more difficult. How many more battles will I have to fight? How long will it be before I loose this war?

Or what if I'm just being dramatic? Everyone has bad days, maybe these are just mine and I'm overthinking everything. After all, people who really struggle with these issues get help. I don't need help, so there must be nothing wrong with me.

I'm fine.

~~~End~~~