knee socks - z.m au

fourth

a/n: trigger warning, suicidal thoughts.

It had been two weeks, I had sort of not been living in my apartment the entire time. By sort of I meant just sleeping between the hours of 4am and 12pm and then leaving to spend the rest of the time here and there.

My apartment tended to trigger me into feeling some type of way, not a good type of way either. I had realised this the day after Zayn came over, it was lonely and suffocating. The unpaid bills, the razors, the pills. They all added to the stress and depression.

It was now approaching the end of November and Christmas was just around the corner as the highly decorated shops said.

I hated Christmas. It was a pointless time for everyone to get together and give gifts to each other. I fail to understand where that came from since it was Jesus' birthday and he should be the one receiving the gifts. Perhaps I only felt this way since I had never gotten a proper Christmas present all my life.

It was currently two in the morning. I grabbed my head and stumbled to the Brooklyn Bridge. I opened the new bottle of beer even though my liver was probably screaming 'no'. I wasn't even tipsy yet, why the hell not.

I stood behind the barrier staring out at the water. It was deep and quite the distance from the top of the bridge. I began to climb the railings and sat down on the top one, continuing to take quick sips of my beer.

I was mentally preparing myself to go through with jumping down. It's winter, it'll be cold. It should be quicker than trying to drown in summer. Drowning shouldn't be that bad. I've almost drowned at least twice in my life. It's going to be the exact same thing just no one will save me this time around. I thought.

When I finished my beer I threw the empty bottle down, I suppose to measure the distance of the fall. After a few seconds I heard a little splash. It seemed like 100 feet, give or take.

I shook the thoughts out of my head and stood up carefully. It had rained earlier so everything was hopelessly slippery. I held onto the pole beside me and slowly yet steadily enough I removed one hand from around the pole and shut my eyes tightly.

This is it. This is what everyone would have wanted. Especially him. I took two shaky, deep breaths and got ready to let go.

"Just jump if you really must." I heard that familiar accent.

I turned my head and Zayn was standing a few feet away from me. What are the chances.

"Fancy seeing you here." I said.

"You too. Although the circumstances could be better." He replied.

"Which is why you should go." I said.

"No."

"Zayn, go."

"No, Akira. If you jump, I jump." He said.

"Are you seriously quoting Titanic right now?" I asked. Of course he would do that.

"Seemed fitting." He shrugged, taking his leather jacket off.

"Why are you taking your clothes off?" I asked.

"Firstly is just a jacket and secondly it's expensive don't want to get this baby wet now do I, babe." He said. "Come on hold my hand so I can get up there with you."

"Zayn what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not going to do that." I said shaking my head.

"Then I'll just have to get up there myself. Probably fall and die before you. Then it'll defeat the entire purpose of 'you jump, I jump'." He said.

"You are honestly so clueless with words. Leave me alone Zayn, just go." I said.

He didn't say anything after that and I thought he had left but then he spoke again.

"You do realise that if you really wanted to jump you would've jumped by now. Me being here, having a conversation with you wouldn't matter if you were seriously ready to go. I know you're afraid of dying. You're thinking too much about it. You aren't ready to go yet." He said.

"You don't know anything about me Zayn. You're practically a stranger to me." I said.

"I don't care. All I know is that you still have a life to live and a long one at that. You are loved. People do love you, you may not know it but if you go today, you will make so many people feel empty because your presence wasn't in their life." He said.

I tried not to cry. He wasn't clueless with words after all. I closed my eyes and simply felt the breeze around me. He was right, I couldn't do it.

"Get down from there Akira." He said.

"Okay." I stated simply.

I slowly crouched back down and turned when my feet slipped harshly off the railing which caused one of my hands on the pole to slip due to the wetness from the rain earlier.

I screamed.

I wasn't ready.

Zayn grabbed my other hand and tried pulling me up but it was too slippery. I held onto his hand tightly but I could feel myself slipping.

I wasn't ready.

"Zayn please hold on." I cried.

"I'm trying Akira." He grabbed my arm with his other hand and thats when my other hand slipped from the pole and I was hanging down the side of the bridge entirely. Fuck. I knew Zayn couldn't hold on.

I wasn't ready.

But I deserved this.

I felt his grip slip from my arm and he yelled my name.

It's over, I thought as I felt myself falling further and further.

I felt myself getting light headed and then it all went black just as I fell in the water.

a/n: don't ever feel like you are unloved, unwanted or not special. i have been in that place and it sucks feeling suffocated and wanting to die but remember that there is so much left to live for and you all deserve to live a long long long life. if you ever feel negatively about yourself don't even hesitate to talk to me, i am always here. i understand, i conquered and i know it gets better.

i give you all permission to hunt me down for taking literally months to update and for this crappy chapter. i literally rewrote this chapter eleven times, literally E L E V E N times and i'm still not happy with it but uGh i felt so bad for taking this long so it was like fuck it i'll just post it. i literally didn't even edit this i just read over it twice so excuse my mistakes. finally, in the history of longest authors notes ever, i love you all.