So like i finally got a job
And yea
I guess it's cool because no one judges or anything when i tic and i get to work in madisonm
But like I always have mini panic attacks while working register because everytime the door opens my heart sinks and stops and i get all shaky and scared and stuff thinking what if it's bryce
oof
And josh is like the coolest nicest person there but he's also good friends with bryce but like who isn't everyone fucking knows him at madison
aaand even perry
And other schools
specially the girls
stupid fuckboy
Idk how he ever liked me im ugly af
maybe thats why he cut me off after I sucked his dick and spent the night in a lawnchair cuddled up next to him hahaha i love boys
.
Idk
he made me feel loved and like he cared
but everyday i learn ab another girl he fucked with
and now it's like basically every girl I've ever spoken to has either messed around w him or gotten their heart broke by him
kinda sad that I'm one of them
but he still hits me up even though he's got a gf now for 3 months
and idk what to say or do anymore
but just ignore
.
geez
idk
whatever ab him
crazy mf
I actually came on wattpad on a whim because i was curious as to what i used to write on here
Im not kidding I totally forgot I even had a wattpad
And
Legit
I have never hated myself more
than when i came back and read all the edgy ass shit i left here
like guys i am so sorry to whoever had to read that lmao
things have changed
so
Much
So many things have happened
so many dumbass relationships
and obstacles in life like getting fucking kicked out of school over having a disability
who im friends with
how i see things
I'm completely different from whatever i used to be
I look back at myself then like it's a different person
I cannot understand what tf was wrong with me
I fucked up some people's heads so bad just over my selfishness
wanting to be loved so badly and my anxiety causing me to be terrified of being left even when i had the most amazing people by my side
but like i ruined all my relationships with any of those people whether they were friends or exes
and i could honestly sit here and write pages on pages of apologies but it just ain't the same anymore
you cant get back what you lost
it's just life and I'm not really sad about it anymore
so idk it's whatever i guess
what's up tho
I take my driver's exam in a week bitch
Gor my first paycheck today
Spent 2 dollars of it on coins to read early episodes of lore olympus on webtoon
Btw ghost lights is so fucking amazinf it is a beautiful webcomic please go read it it's so underrated for how gorgeous the art style and character design and story are
idk
I really wanna get xans but my dad hid them and stuff so its been about 2 months and it sucks
havent been smoking because just aint got the time or the money or the right friends and like sometimes you get really sad and do drugs but then sometimes you get so sad that you dont even feel like getting the drugs so thats where im at with my depression right now lmao fml
that's the only thing that hasn't went away in the past 5 years is the depression like damn
idk how long it's gonna be here but idc anymore im just dealing with it like always
I wish mikey would respond but he randomly dies i think its bc if college tho its been two days since he lasted texted tho and idk
I wanna get high af or trip or do some lines sometime and at the moment idk anyone else who's actually chill to hang out with and down to do that shit besides him and lea or madison fuckers so I'm just waiting rn I guessk
oof
maybe next weekend will be fun
I'll be driving soon so thatll also be lit
Its been a while since i hung out with catlyn too
Last time i was over we got drunk and high af and watched heathers on vhs in her camper
I fucking hate her but I also miss her
ive just been hanging with joe and shane lately
and airiana
my wife
but like i dont see her much because she's in school
homeschooling is great bc i have a lot of free time
but not anymore actually because i work and read 24/7
i ltierally work at 2pm today i need fucking sleep
I have a 32 hour week ahead of me
not even exaggerating
I can already feel all the mental breakdowns I'll be having throughout the week
so fun
dude shane and joe spam call me every night begging to hang out but lately ive just been so exhausted from work that i come home and crash and tell them to f off
and they just go to sheetz and do their own lil thing
And its so unlike me
Because i literally always take up an opportunity to hang out I love being w friends and can't stand being in my crazy ass household for more than a minute
so yeah im kind of going fucking insane being here all the time lately and today i didnt go anywhere at all and just stayed home and slept the entire sunday which was needed but reallllllyyyy boring
and yea
my life's ass
