The Nanny

Chapter Four

Today I am going to meet Jamal. I am meeting him at a restaurant, that is close by the hotel. I have not told Rayana about this because I know for sure, she will make it a big deal when in reality it is not. All this is, is catching up with an old friend, who is practically family - I  mean we basically grew up together, we saw each other annually in the summer holidays. I am kind of nervous I admit, it has been a long time since we last informally conversed. Plus Anisa was always there to stir up the conversations and make it less awkward when I had nothing to say. Why did I agree to this oh my... Just as the car stops in front of the restaurant building I get a text message from Jamal -

Jamal: Salam

I am already at the restaurant. Where are you?

I stare at the message and take a deep breath in. I can't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't go in that building because... I just can't. I can't explain my reasons clearly. I have missed my  therapy sessions and now I feel like I can't function, not that I depend on my therapist on making me feel okay, but I do reply on her to make sense of things that I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like a mess. Right now I can't tell if I am having an anxiety attack or other thinking or something else deep in my subconscious that I don't know of. I look at the message again, and my heart beats escalate and my hands get sweaty. I put my phone in my bag and instruct the driver to take me back to the hotel. I can't do this.

My heart gets heavy at that thought of Jamal at the restaurant alone, waiting for me. What can I do? I have been scared of new experiences, moving to Dubai was the scariest thing I have ever done, it felt like walking through a dark tunnel, and forming new relations ever since the accident has been somewhat difficult for me.

I feel broken, especially now that I chickened out last minute on this meet up. It just proves something is wrong with me. I am like a scattered puzzle - the pieces to fix myself are all over and I have to put them back together because nobody can. My therapist always says that progress only works when I put in the work and actually strive to try, yet some times I feel so fragile and weak, and on such days I miss my mothers hugs - when her arms were around me like they were securing me and comforting me at the same time. You'd think after all this years I have moved past it, and accepted it. But deep down, I still hope that one day she will walk back into my life with her infectious smile plastered on her face and tell me how much she loves me and remind me that Allah s.w.t is with me every step of the way even when I feel like have no one.

Jamal

I sat in the restaurant for almost an hour before I came to the conclusion that she isn't coming. I am disappointed, but perhaps she had an emergency to attend to. I told my mother about the intended meeting with Amal at the restaurant, she was happy to hear about it but suddenly became saddened, I could hear it in her voice. My mother tried to convince me she's fine, and I play along not wanting to her cry because inquiring and insisting on her silent suffering always leads to tears, that I can not stand. My mother is my world and seeing her sad and not being able to do something about it is heart wrecking at the very least.

Amal doesn't know this but her sister is not getting any better, some of her organs are starting to fail. She doesn't know because my mother does not want her to worry, as she already worries everyday. I did look forward to catching up with her, I planned a series of questions to ask her because I know easily she runs out of things to say.
...

I got the airport on time. However getting to the entrance was difficult, since there was a big commotion, people with posters and reporters where crowding the area. I didn't focus much on why there was a commotion instead focused on getting by the crowd. I managed to get by. I passed a man, with two security guards guarding him. He was wearing shades and a track suit. He looked familiar and when he  glanced at me I immediately knew who it was. He continued to stride past everyone, occasionally stopping to sign autographs for his fans. It's Imad. I continue walking and head on to the checkpoint. I wonder what he is doing in Dubai? Maybe he is competing here. I didn't stop him to greet him nor try to, because Imad and I were never good friends. I suppose you could say we never got along.

Amal

"Why are you crying? What happened Amal?" Rayana asked me repeatedly, as she held my quivering body. I couldn't get the words out, so I just cried. When I returned back to the hotel, Rayana was thee. She had come to drop off some things for her bridal shower party, she's hosting it at the hotel. When I saw her, tears just streamed down my cheeks. She held me in her arms, as I cried.

Moments after, I stopped myself from crying. I rested my head on Rayana's laps as she stroked my hair. "You can tell me what's bothering your heart... Whenever your ready," She spoke in low-soft tone.

"I miss my mum," I mumbled. She stayed quiet, probably not knowing what to say. I told her the events that unfolded today, she remained quiet and listened. No judgment, no comments.

"I just couldn't get myself to go into that building Rayana. I felt controlled by my emotions, it was all too much to bare. And I know it was just to catch up but my mind interpreted it to be more than what it seemed," I explained, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"You have been through so much Amal, and it was traumatic. But you are strong. You lost your mother, your sister and in a way your father. The emotions you're feeling is understandable, you're scared of new things and relations and that's okay if you're not ready for them."

"I am broken aren't I?" I asked and sobbed.

"No not at all. You are far from that. You are just a human who has gone through a lot, and your mind is trying to cope with it all. It will be okay,"

"What if it never does?"

"A wise woman once reminded me that - with every difficulty there is relief."

".فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا"

"Yes," She said. I got up, hugged Rayana and thanked her for her support. I am very grateful for having her in my life.

"Now go pray and I'll make some tea. Okay?"

"Okay."