Alex

Cascading Light

By the end of fall, Alex had given up everything. He told his friends what he really thought of them and stopped hanging out with them. He told his coach and his overbearing father that he didn't even like being a soccer player and quit the team, he dropped the "mean-guy" façade and actually started talking to all his old friends from middle school, and apologised to all the people he knows he's hurt. Alex was now regular, just like I was.
It was a big, shocking change not just for him or me but for everyone who knew him. Some people started to really full-on hate me, called me a "witch" or "satan in disguise" but the truth is that I didn't do all of that to him, he did it himself. It was all his choice. I told him to wait it out, there was only the rest of that year then senior year and then he could be himself but he insisted that he wouldn't lie to himself or anyone else anymore. I think that's very admirable of him.
Things were getting weird, I mean, we were still friends but we were getting very close, scary close. I started to feel things for Alex that I'd never ever felt for a guy before, I mean, he was always attractive but now I was actually attracted to him. His chestnut brown hair was no longer gelled back it was short and curly, his attire changed from jeans and jersey jackets to combat boots and flannel shirts, and he started wearing his glasses which made his eyes look bold and glossy and beautiful.
I would always get a little too excited whenever I was with him, and I knew that soon I wouldn't be able to hold it any longer. I knew I would somehow compromise our friendship by kissing him, or telling him how I felt, which I didn't want. So I began to push him away. It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. It was extremely difficult but I knew I had to, just until things died down.
I mean, he had made new friends, so I thought it was okay hang out with him less, but it became clear to me that it wasn't one evening when he came to my house.
I was listening to music whilst doing my homework as I sat on my bed against the headboard, when my door opened and he came in. I took my headphones off and looked up at him confusedly.
"How-"
"Your mom let me up," he answered my question before I even asked.
"Oh." I said. There was silence as he sat on the end of my bed, looking up at the ceiling awkwardly.
I started laughing. "Stop,"
He looked at me and smiled, trying not to laugh. "Stop what?"
"Being weird," I said, kicking him with my foot.
"I'm not being weird you're being weird,"
"You're such an idiot, Alex." I said, putting my headphones back on to show I was ignoring
him. He shook his head with incredulity before pulling me by my feet to him and then tickling my rib cage. He had me crying with laughter so intense I felt pain, and I was gasping for air trying to tell him to stop. Eventually he did.
He kissed my cheek. "Don't think that's the last time you'll be getting that punishment for your rudeness," he said. His face was really close to mine. His breath smelt like cherries.
"Ooh, spank me, daddy," I joked, and he shook his head with laughter.
"You're silly," he whispered. He looked like he was about to kiss me. I really wanted to kiss him, but I knew it was wrong. I caught my breath and unwrapped his arms from around my waist. Putting my hair behind my ears and avoiding eye contact with him, I resumed with my effort to push him away.
"Alex, why are you even here?"
"Why am I even here?" He repeated, scoffing. "Do I need a reason to be? You're my best friend."
"But I'm obviously busy with stuff, you should leave." I replied, still not looking at him.
"Ally, we haven't spoken properly in ages. I feel like you're avoiding me but I don't know why. That's why I came over."
"Well you're right." I took a brief look at him, "I don't want to see you, Alex."
"Why not?" his voice sounded hurt. My heart ached.
"Because," Crap, I needed a lie. "I don't like you anymore. You annoy me, I mean, you're so pretentious and self-absorbed..." I said unconvincingly. Fuck. That was a shitty lie.
"C'mon, I know you're lying." He said, sitting closer to me on the bed and resting his hand on mine. "Just explain what's going on, it's me."
"Alex, please, I'm asking you to leave." I took my hand away.
"No, not without an explanation."
"Leave."
"No!"
I turned to him. "Okay, Alex! You really wanna talk, huh? Why don't we talk about that time you stole my journal? Why didn't you tell anyone about it, about what was in there? Literally everything about me is there, all my deepest, darkest shit. You know it all. When you were Mr. Mean-guy, why didn't you do anything? I was already a loser, what's the harm in ruining a life that was already ruined? Why the fuck, would you become friends with me instead?"
Alex was wordless. I'd really done it.
He stood up, his hands running frustratedly through his hair. A few moments after, he took a deep breath before turning to me. "I didn't do anything because when I read about you in there, your thoughts, your feelings, I fell in love with you. You were perfect for the real me--witty, smart, beautifully tortured inside and out. I began to find you attractive, especially when you ignored my apologies," he laughed shyly and I laughed too, out of shock a little, feeling tears spring to my eyes. "I don't know why. I guess because you just didn't give a fuck about anyone and I liked that, but when it came to the people who really cared, you were so down to earth. I know you probably hate this but I also felt sympathy for you with everything you went through, and I tried, I tried so hard but I couldn't understand why someone with such a beautiful soul such as yours would try to commit, twice." At this point tears were flowing freely from my eyes. "I fell in love with you when I read that journal, and I fell even more when I got to know you. And now I'm so deep in that there's no going back, Ally. I don't expect you to feel the same way but please, don't push me away."
I was about to open my mouth when he continued. "Fuck, you're not convinced, are you?" He grabbed my hands and kneeled in front of me. "I can say more, uh... I'm not that stupid asshole jock guy, I never was and you helped me realise that. You helped me realise that I wanted to be myself, like you are yourself, and that I didn't want to bullshit myself like people often do themselves. I just fucking love you, Ally,"
"Alex-"
"I want to like, skip college with you and we can live in like, Arizona, or something. I can get some money from my parents to start us off with and then we can own a record store and have shit loads of The Doors records, I don't know. We can read classic literature like Franny and Zooey or the Great Gatsby to our kids so they become intelligent and cultured, we can even bring Cerna with us, Ally, I love-"
At that moment I held his face up to meet mine and kissed him. As much as I loved to hear him go on about me, himself, us, I really wanted to fucking kiss him and so I did. And it was amazing.
His lips were the softest, smoothest texture of skin I have ever touched with my own and I wanted more. I still do, I still yearn for the taste of him, for the feel of him. Him.
Alex was my first love, my greatest love. It's quite sad because he died, a week after. He was buying a birthday present for his mom when a car hit him on the way home. Killed, pronounced dead at the scene of a hit and run, quite ironically, by the people he used to call his friends. His heart was beating for thirty-six seconds before he died, seconds I hope were in thought of me.