What I should have said...

Was not at all what came out of my mouth. We had been fighting for days and there was no end in sight. Our relationship was always perfect, or it seemed that way at least. Nobody ever knew what went on behind closed doors, they never do. That's why the doors are closed in the first place, right?

All I ever wanted was a fairytale romance, fall in love, get married, have a beautiful family and live happily ever after. But this was no fairytale, this was my life. I fell in love with a cruel man that never wanted the things he promised me, he just wanted someone weaker than him to enhance his masculinity, or lack there-of. You see, the men with the least self esteem are the most abusive, physically, mentally and emotionally. Someone that feels complete in their self would never feel the need to bring down the people that they love. Why couldn't I love someone like that? This question would forever haunt me.

Everything started out fine, we were young and had our lives in front of us. We fell in love fast and hard, and got serious far too young. As the years went on he started a new job, he was very fond of it but wasn't very good at it. That weighed down on him but never crushed his spirits. One day he proposed. It was the happiest day of my life, but looking back I should have ran.

The wedding came faster than we anticipated due to having to move out of state for his career. Moving was a scary feat for me but I figured as long as I had the love of my life by my side I was invincible. After the wedding, things started to feel different. He stopped trying to make me happy, actually, he stopped trying to do anything at all. It was constant bickering between us back and forth about jobs and chores and responsibilities. I felt lost, and I soon realized he was no longer the man I loved.

I took some time to keep my distance but he always came creeping in and drawing me back to him. Sleeping on the couch doesn't really help when he carries you into bed after you've dozed off. I had no desire to sleep next to him, or be near him at all. He had become a stranger to me. I felt like I couldn't breathe in my own house. The only thing keeping me sane was my dog and even some days that wasn't enough. I felt trapped, helpless, I had nowhere to go, I was hundreds of miles away from my family. What could I do?

One day I worked up the courage to call my mom. I knew how she felt about our marriage at our age so it took me a while to face the fact that I had been wrong. She didn't answer. I left a message saying that I needed her guidance, that I feel like I've made a mistake and that I want to go home. At that moment I heard the door behind me close. I shakily turned around to see my very angry husband standing there waiting to reprimand me. Had he heard everything? The fire in his eyes confirmed that he had. 

That was the first time he ever laid hands on me. The first time I knew just what he was capable of but still worried that he had more to come. This man was a monster and it was only the beginning. I woke up the next day with bruises and dried blood on my lip. Hand marks on my arms and throat. But at the end of my bed lay a single rose and a note saying "I love you more than you know, baby. Give me another chance." My ignorant heart melted, and later that day on the phone with my mom I stupidly told her that the message was a mistake and that I was doing just fine. What an idiot I had been.

The weeks went on and the "punishments" became more brutal and far more often. I had been too embarrassed to leave my house so I quit my job, there is only so much that makeup can cover. I grew lonely and the only thing I had left was my dog. She made me feel loved and protected to an extent, she was terrified of what my husband had become.

A month went by and my bruises were just mere green marks on my skin. It had been a while since he last hurt me so I felt like things had been getting better. He insisted we went out for dinner, and being mostly healed I was more than eager to oblige. I put on some makeup and my prettiest dress for him. I walked out into the living room where he sat and watched his face drop. Not from admiration, no. Pure anger. He exclaimed that my dress was too revealing and "who are you trying to impress?" That was the night that it all went down. He grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head into the wall. I remember very hazily looking into his eyes and realizing that this was who he had become, and I had no choice but to leave.