awake all night | l.h.

I should've been sleeping by now.

For eighteen years of my life, I've been able to fall into slumber the second I'm under my blankets and settled into my pillow. It's frustrating that I've been doing the best I can for the past three hours yet, I still can't get my mind off you.

I've been staring at this damned ceiling into the next day, seeing nothing but versions of you.

You appear in the shadow black night sky as a constellation, your eyes the brightest stars out of them all.

Puzzle pieces slide into place forming a picture perfect memory of you and me sitting together at lunch, laughing and talking like old friends when that bullshit rumor about you was spreading around and I was the only one that beloved you.

Odd colored shapes twirl and twist all over my dark room. I try to turn them into a dream, but all they ever do is turn into you.

You're not the most popular girl at school, but you weren't invisible either. Unlike you, I wasn't the name on everybody's lips. I was the background guy, the underdog. The ratty musician.

But you, oh God, you are goddess. You couldn't be compared to any cheerleader, any prep, or any other girl for this matter. You are the exotic beauty. By that, I mean that I see more in you than everyone else, including yourself, ever believed in.

We're friends. Not best friends, acquaintances, but just friends. I was always there when you needed me. It wasn't the same for you, but you tried your best under your circumstances. It's not like I had the balls to ever ask you to swing by anyway.

It's not fair that out of all the girls in the school, I had to have a crush on you. You... You're so out of reach. You're out of my limit. You're everything I ever wanted but can't have.

Images of you fill my brain and intoxicate me. I'm drowned in all of you and who you are.

You're the sweetest girl I've ever met. I like how you always smile at everyone you pass, whether or not they're a stranger. Your wonderful smile covers all four of my walls. No matter what mood you're in, you make sure you look happy on the outside. You always put others before yourself.

Suddenly your face appears in an assortment of chocolates on my ceiling. Huh. Go figure.

Hair was always your number one asset. You liked to try different styles. Sometimes it was blue, short and ombré, or long and your natural hair color. Whatever it was, you always manage to pull it off.

Long lines slithered in corners like snakes creeping on their next kill. Along those lines was your laugh. I smile. I love making you laugh. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve everything and more.

Ugh. I'm gonna be up all night if I keep up this daydream. I turn my head to look at my digital clock.

4:15 AM.

Has it been two hours already? I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time or using it to my best advantage.

I'm also not sure if I'm going crazy or not, but I swear I can hear your laugh outside my window right now. That's not possible. You never come to my house willingly. It was always the other way around.

I slip out of my bed and peek through the blinds.

You happen to live right across from me. Isn't that funny? Great? Horrible?

I grit my teeth, almost shattering them into pieces. Your window is open and your blinds are up. There's a boy on your front lawn singing you some ridiculously cheesy pop song with his acoustic guitar. I can't tell if you're laughing because he sucks or you're laughing because you've never had someone do this for you before. I already know it's the latter.

You lean your hand against your chin, smiling that enchanting smile of yours. I bit my lip to hold back the tears. Damnit!

That guy you're grinning at should be me. I should be busting my ass winning your heart, but instead I hide in my room, wondering if you even give a shit about me.

I slam my body back onto my bed, burying my head under my pillow to muffle the sobs.

It's a never ending circle of mixed emotions.

Here we go again.