fingertips.

Dear You

Dear You,

I don't know why I bother with these letters anymore. I mean, you're dead. It's not like you'll ever read them. And maybe that's why the words come out so easily.

What happened to us has probably happened to thousands of other people, but that thought still didn't make any of it much easier. God, I knew from the start how wrong we were for each other. You were too much for me- too happy, too self-assured, and too fulfilled. I, on the other hand, was going through an early life crisis. I had somehow convinced myself that I was entirely incapable of love, and no matter how miserable it made me feel, I wouldn't let myself think any different. I rather be emotionless than broken. I saw how love affected the people around me, my mother crying herself to sleep every night because she knew there was no way out of her loveless, cold marriage, and my sister, splitting open her wrists because the love of her life didn't feel the same way about her. I convinced myself I could live without it and still be happy. But then you came along and I realised just how wrong, and just how right I was.

When we first met, the first sentence that crossed my mind was, 'out of my league'. You were so beautiful. Your brown eyes were wide and excited, your golden hair unbound and falling over your shoulders and framing your face like a halo, your mouth open and smiling. You looked like someone who got exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it. And for some reason, you wanted me. And you got me.

You had a mutual friend introduce us, and so began a string of 'random' encounters around campus. You soon asked for my number and I foolishly gave it. We texted each other every chance we got and then we started hanging out on the weekends, and before I knew it, I was in love. I tried not to be but eventually I stopped wanting to resist.

"I love you."  You told me that out of the blue at a New Year's Party we decided to attend spontaneously. Never in a million years would I have thought that you felt the same for me, I was content with just loving you. I didn't say anything at first, I was too shocked. But then I had my arms around you and I was telling you I loved you too and I didn't realise until then how heavy a burden one sided love was. You loved me too. God, I thought I was dreaming. 

With you, I was the happiest I'd ever been. In the first official week of our relationship, we went to meet your parents. I tried telling you that it was too soon but you'd made your mind up and I didn't feel like arguing and so I went along with you and fell in love with more parts of you. Your parents were such great people, and they accepted me almost immediately. I never had loving parental figures during my childhood. It was like I was completely alone one minute and the next I had three people loving and supporting me and it was all too much too suddenly. I excused myself mid-dinner and ran to the bathroom. It was there that I burst into tears and in that moment I thought I'd never stop. But I eventually did when I felt your familiar warmth embrace me and we sat there on the bathroom floor, just you and me. I chose to open up to you then. The secrets I'd been hiding for years spilled out my mouth and this time, I let them.

To the surprise of many, we stayed together for quite a while, 2 years, 5 months and 17 days to be exact. But like all good things in my life, it had to come to an end. And what a disastrous end it was.