You looked me in the eyes and for the first time in my life I saw nothing. Blank slate, staring back into mine. I felt the blood drain from my face, rushing away. I felt so cold and, as I choked back my tears, I held my arms tightly around my body. Trying hard to feel my own warmth, focusing on my heart now beating fast, but pumping only cold fire through my veins. Straight to my fingertips, once wrapped around yours. Straight down my spine, to my toes. I felt only the cold, and I felt my body shake. Breathing fast and now faster, my heart pounding against my ribs. I looked in your eyes, and for the first time I saw nothing.
I choked, I had nothing left to say. You let yourself out, did you look back at all? Curled up in bed, I had never felt more alone than I was in that moment. I lay there, watching the sunlight in the blinds fade away. Watching the sky turn black, not a star in sight. I shivered, icy handprints all over me. Everywhere you've touched me. I should have said something. I should have told you how much the past few years had meant to me. I should have said goodbye.
Everywhere I look, I can almost see you. In the corners of the streets we used to walk together, hand in hand. When I roll over at night, I reach my arm out and I can almost feel you there. I can almost feel your hands, your fingertips running down my arm. I can almost feel your breath on the back of my neck, your lips on mine. Almost. But truly, I'm alone. I wake up almost every night to a dream of you. It's strange isn't it? I don't dream for the longest time when there's nothing I'd rather do, but now I can't help it. And it's always you. I try hard to forget, try to move on... but every morning there you are again. I just can't seem to clear you off my mind, peel your frigid fingers off my heart. I wish this was easier.
You'll never read this, I'm not sure if I want you to. You'll never look back, and maybe it's best that way. You'll never see just how cold you've made me, and that's alright. I'll warm myself up eventually. But for now, this is all I have to say. For a few short years, I felt like I had the world. And that means a lot. For now, goodbye. For now I'll find closure myself. I'll miss making you smile, but I need to just make myself happy for a change. Goodbye.
