The Rhythm Of Our Hearts

Why are you so confusing?

"So, does your heart...resound with the rythm of my own?"

 I remember asking her, it was such a small question, so out of the blue and frankly, I was surprised when she didn't even budge as if I'd asked something stupid. She just knew the way I was, the kind of person I am I guess.

For what seemed like a long moment, we both stared out onto the open waters of the pond we sat at. Deciding sometime before, I would say a couple months ago to make this our regular hangout spot. I was afraid of the answer, because I already knew what it would be; I know I had asked a billion times already with the same response, just in different ways. But still I found myself months later asking the same questions just; wording them a little different to not come off annoying.

"No" I heard it break through the silence, it seemed to make the pond water ripple with such a force that, I just stared at it. Wishing to be somewhere else entirely. But with her was where my heart was and where it belonged. I remember hearing my heart shatter in my chest like as if someone threw a glass onto the floor with no mercy. My brain fogged and my eyes welled with tears unshed. 'Why do I keep asking the same questions? I know it'll hurt even worse the next time' But I knew why, I was hoping for some miracle this time; the answer would be different.

But no, the answer was always the same. Wasn't that a shame? Well, it's nothing new I wasn't built for love and I wasn't attractive enough for it anyways. I felt a piercing stare and I remember turning to look at her, breifly before her face contorted into what seemed like guilt"What" I croaked weakly, and she teared up. "You're crying" She whispered, so softly I almost didn't hear it, and wondered if she actually said it. But I did, her accent was unmistakable. I looked back down at the pond, the wind rippling it gently, making little circles across its depths."Yeah, and? I'm like that" I softly muttered, while wringing my hands as if I would lose feeling in them if I didn't

"I don't want to hurt you, I don't mean to" Her voice rang in my head, and it almost made it feel worse. The pain in my chest. Like that feeling you get when someone makes you feel so hurt and broken you can feel it in your fingertips, your toes. your hair. You can feel the dull, and sharp ache echo throughout your entire being like as if it were living"Yeah, I know." I muttered softly

"You can't change your feelings, like how I can't change mine about you"

The air became still and quiet. The only sounds I could hear where that of some nearby birds. They sounded like songbirds...Yeah probably songbirds...Or where they a sparrow? Maybe a robin...Robins are pretty common around here...I was slightly startled from my thoughts when she looked at me and shook me gently. "Are you okay...You were thinking out loud" I felt immediately embarrassed, and hid in my hands. It's some sort of nervous tick I do now a days when I'm trying to avoid the here and now, I mutter off random sentences to avoid what's happening in the moment.

"Yeah, Sha; I'm fine" I muttered. "I was just-" She cut me off with a tight hug, so tight; that if I had cared. I would have said something about the pain. But I didn't care about the pain. Not from anything. Especially her. I would let her beat me black and blue. Just to hear her say she loved me. Healthy way of thinking? No, but it doesn't change the truth. The truth hurts as everyone knows. And no one knows this more than me; all my life the truth was always painful. I heard her shift, to pull away and I tugged her back into my arms. Tightly, my lungs constricting from the force. Begging for air from the tightness of the embrace. But I didn't care. I would stay here and suffocate if it meant dying in her arms