Tranquility

hundred thirty two

my mother taught me that being broken was okay
to not look at others and what they have
but to be grateful for what i do and dont
that being honest was everything
and to lie was not a sin but a curse one places upon himself
that loving someone was okay
and being sick was okay
that showing the slightest bit of affection was okay
but my father taught me how to lie
and that it was important for survival with where we came from
that being sick was an embarrassment and that it's all in your head
that i had to look at other people and make sure that i was better than them
to step on them and to spit on their beliefs
because there was only one belief
to never let anyone know that i was hurt
to keep it to myself because it was a sign of weakness
that being honest with people was inappropriate and forbidden with threats
just like speaking a foreign language
lying to the ones that you love was a must
it was a form of practice for the other people
and that a man was only a man when he beat his wife and his children
a man could never help a woman because god forbid that was an embarrassment too
but i ended up being entirely someone else
i taught myself that every truth was a lie
that every person was dishonest
and that assuming the worst was to be able to breathe tomorrow
and all the days after it
that it was family one needed protecting from
to be careful when turning around because everyone holds a knife
but never to your neck
always to your back
and nothing handed over to you from your family ever comes for free
you always owed them something back
that to listen was power because it is to know
because nothing is more powerful than a woman standing in a room full of people and knowing all
the more lies that roll out of your tongue
the longer you survive
honesty gets you killed
and that's not a possibility it's a certainty