LOVE AND CRY

'I love you'

I still remember those 3 words that made me so happy the very first time you said that to me, I felt like all my hard work paid off cause I finally got the girl of my dreams, the girl who has been giving me so much energy, hope and happiness.

'Kim Jisoo'

It was actually really embarrassing whenever I remember that day you told me that cause instead of engulfing you into a tight hug and twirling you around like what normal guys would do in most movies or situations like that, I ended up running into a corner of the restaurant and bawled my eyes out.

I was so happy that I ended up crying and embarrassing myself and at the same time, you. Because it wasn't just any restaurant, it was a fast food restaurant with so many people eating because it was lunch during that time and when I ran away from you and cried at the corner, people looked at us weirdly and after a few seconds they sent you an accusing glare cause apparently they thought you broke things off with me. But you didn't, you just made me the happiest man alive, I just have a weird way of showing it.

I remember instead of giving me a hug and a kiss, you ended up slapping my arm and told me to get up already. We immediately went out of the restaurant and when we were out we just stared at each other and laugh our ass off.

It was one of the memorable thing that ever happened to me.

Months into our relationship, nothing changed, we still treat each other like the best of friends, and love each other like a newly wedded couple or like how old couples love each other.

We fight too, a lot. Because people in our school don't really approve of me being your boyfriend, they always kept saying that you deserved better. I thought about that too, I always think about that but you always assure me that I'm the one you love and will love and that their opinions won't change what your heart feels. It took a lot of assurance from you and myself because it still haven't sinked into me that I'm dating the school's number one sweetheart, and I was just me, a normal, nerdy Kim Namjoon. But you? You were loved, not because you're just beautiful but your heart is as beautiful as your face or even more so, that's why a lot of people have been pursuing you even girls around our school admired you. A top student, beautiful, funny, rich, kind and you always smile.

After months, then years passed, our love just grew stronger. We even made lots of plans together for our future, getting married, have kids and travel around the world when we are old and wrinkly.  We are always sure that it will be us who will end up together.

Until one day, you started to get sick, you've been vomiting a lot, really bad headache, and even had a seizure. I was so scared during that time, I didn't even know that I was crying and you were unconscious and pale. It scared me when I saw you in that state.

The waiting outside the emergency room was hell, I couldn't keep myself steady in my seat. I keep walking around, going back and forth to the chapel. Until the doctor finally came out, I prayed for just good news that it was just nothing and then she can go home with me again.

But the news he brought to me made me weak, and probably dead inside. He told me my girlfriend for 7 years has a brain cancer.

'A brain cancer? What the fuck'

I asked a lot of questions about the treatment and if she'll live a long long life after the treatment because I can't lose her, I don't want too.

I can't lose my sunshine. I can't lose my happiness. I can't lose her.

Out of all the doctor have said to me the only thing that got stuck in my mind was that they'll do everything they can to save her.

When Jisoo woke up, she smiled instantly after seeing my face but scrunched afterwards when she realized we weren't home and that we were at the hospital. I told her about it, she just looked down and smiled sadly, I was expecting her to cry, but she didn't, instead she held my hand and told me 'we'll get through this, just smile for me please.'

Those were the words she told me and then the next week she already started doing her therapy. Despite the long and agonizing process she still went through it with a smile. She even made jokes that she looked more handsome than me when she got bald.

She changed so much after just months of her therapy, she lost her hair, got so thin, but her personality and optimism never changed.

It hurts me to see her that way, seeing her in so much pain that you wish you could just take them all away. I had to keep thinking what she said to me before, 'smile', an easy action that requires less effort. But it was so hard for me, even to just fake it was hard. I had to always excuse myself to go to the bathroom or the chapel and cry my eyes out there.

Not once in our relationship have I ever thought that we will go through this, that I would see her lying on a bed, pale and in pain.

But nevertheless she always kept her spirit and her smile.

But then, one time after so much pain and vomiting, and she then started crying, sobbing, I have never seen her like that in our years of being together, I was so surprised that I just kept holding her hand while she cries, screaming, until she screamed that she just wants to die already. I hugged her immediately that time, I pleaded for her to never think that way, to never say it. She just kept crying that night until she fell asleep.

Fortunately the next day after that she started to be positive again and started to smile again and even said sorry to me.

I was happy that her optimism was back, because I know how strong of a person she is, every challenges she faces, she always face it with heads up and of course, a smile.

And then came the big day for her: the operation. She was nervous, everyone was, because it's not a hundred percent sure that she'll survive. But she wanted to take the risk.

Before the time of the operation we prayed together in the chapel and sat their and talked. And then she told me something.

'No matter what happens I wan't you to be happy and live your life, okay?'

'I'll be happy and I'll live the rest of my life with you because I know this operation will be a success.' I said that while looking straightly at her eyes that weren't looking at me but looking at the altar.

'But if anything, just be happy, and healthy and love too.' She said to me smiling as she grabbed my hand and kissed it.

As she was on her bed getting ready for the operation, she took out her favorite necklace from the drawer and gave it to me and said, 'This is my favorite necklace and you will keep this for me okay?'

She added 'You always smile whenever you see me wearing my favorite necklace so keep it to keep you smiling.'

I just looked at the necklace she gave me, and yes I did smile.

And before they took her for the operation she hugged each one of us. I was the last one she hugged and said 'remember what I told you, okay? Take good care of yourself and my necklace, I love you so much.'

I don't know what got into me because after a few minutes she left, I ran straight to the operation room. I tried to get in to get to her but they told me I wasn't allowed inside. I know that but I still insisted.

I didn't know why I got that feeling all of a sudden until the operation was over and the doctor went out and told us that she didn't make it.

And just like the first time she told me 'i love you' I ran to a corner and kept crying but this time it wasn't because of happiness, it was because of the pain.

The End.