An Eccedentesiast's Life

Smiles Of The Broken

Before we continue, I just want to say:
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Most of the topics covered in this book is what I personally, deal with. Like anorexia, depression, anxiety, haphephobia and many others.

I am getting help for most of these, so don't worry too much about me, but I may message a few certain people daily/weekly for a little therapy talk.

*Clears voice* xCLOUDYTHINKINGx

Thank you, my friend, anyway-
Onto this depressive, vent-like book!

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Sero Hanta

Life isn't the best, self hate constantly nagging at the back of my mind, fake smiles left, right and centre to hide how I really feel.. But no one needs to know that, I'm fine. That's what they think, they think I'm just like the rest of them, happy, and ready to live through life. But.. it doesn't feel like it's possible, at all and half of the time, I don't even want to live..

"Hanta! If you're in my class to daydream, you can leave." The overly grave voice muttered, I sighed slouching in my seat. "Sorry, Mr.Aizawa Sensei." I forced the overused smile onto my face, as Sensei turned back to the board, going on about well.. I have no clue, I wasn't particularly bothered, half of the things we were learning were pointless so.. what's the point? I looked down at the sheet of paper before me, at least attempting to scribble some notes down. My mind wandered every now and again, my inability to concentrate was something I gained over the years, along with  the hate for eating and sleeping.

The bell rung throughout the school, dismissing everyone for lunch, not that I needed to leave, but I knew my 'friends' would become suspicious if I didn't go. I stood, slinging the strap of my bag over my shoulder, keeping my head down waiting for the rest of the students to leave the classroom before myself. I flinched as a hand was placed on my shoulder, pulling me out of my little daze as I looked up to Aizawa. "Can I talk to you for a second?" His expression showed concern, something no one really ever showed to me before.

I bowed my head, nodding. "Of course Sensei, what would you like to talk about?" I stood before his desk, watching as he sat back in his chair, his exhausted expression changing to some sort of guilty one. "Sero, I want the truth, okay?" I raised a brow, before nodding again. "Yeah, of course." The sleeves of my uniform brushed against my scarred arms, a sharp pain coursing throughout me, but  I kept a smile on my lips. "Is anything bothering you? Your concentration seems to be slipping and you seem more tired then usual, have you been getting enough sleep?"

My  face scrunched up slightly, my eyes slightly  widening but I played it off. "Yeah, of course i have, just been studying a lot more and nothing's bothering me." The lies slipped off my tongue without trying, It wasn't meant to be like this, but I guess.. this is what happens when you have to hide things. Aizawa massaged his temples, his long hair tangling  with his capture weapon that lay around his neck. "Sero. I said the truth, not some lies. I need you to talk to me, I know something's wrong, just know you can always talk to me." I nodded, giving him a small smile. "Got it, and I swear, nothing's wrong." My  heart ached at my own words, I needed to  speak but something wasn't allowing me to do so. "Fine.. Go now, your friends are probably waiting for you."

I nodded, leaving the classroom without another word, I sighed once I entered the hallways. Tears whelling up in my glossy eyes, I took a deep breath, turning to the bathroom and started to quickly walk there. I locked myself in a stall, placing down my bag, and leaned up against the wall before sliding down it. My arms wrapped around my knees as I hugged myself. Tears cascaded down my face without hesitation, I bit my bottom lip, stopping myself from sobbing and hid my face within my knees. A small sob escaped my plump lips, my breathing quickening as I began to  break down. I ran a hand through my messy hair, tugging on my locks as I sobbed. My throat burned each time I did so, my body jerked forward as I started to feel bile at the back of my throat.

I pushed myself up, my head being slung over the bowel as I started to puke up everything I never ate from the last few days. Stomach acid burning my mouth as I did so, my wretches came to  a stop as I fell back against the wall, silent tears now leaving my eyes. I wiped them away with my sleeve, ignoring the rough texture of the fabric. I took a deep breath, collecting myself before shakily standing and flushing away the remains of bile in the toilet. I grabbed my bag and exited the stall, wiping my mouth with a deep breath. I stood before the mirrors, before cupping my hands beneath the water, throwing the cold liquid onto my tear streaked face. I took a deep breath, calming myself slightly before wiping my hands on my trousers, and turning off the tap.

It didn't take long to make my way to the cafeteria, taking a seat at the table full of my so called 'friends', not needing to make conversation as they all laughed at one of their words. I sighed, taking out my phone and started to scroll through social media, trying my best to ignore all the hateful messages and callouts I was given. I pocketed it once again, as my name was called. "Yo! Sero, look at this, man!" I smiled my signature smile, looking over at Kaminari's screen, reading through a random meme, faking a realistic sounding laugh as I did so.

It went just like this all day, fake a smile, laugh everynow and again, talk to the voices within my mind about how much I deserve to die or disappear from the surface of humanity. The usual, you know?

Training was bad.. changing in a room full of other teenagers and try avoiding other's wandering stares and keep my eyes to myself as I changed as quick as possible so no one noticed my overweight (skeletal) structure. Fighting was even worse, trying my best not to pass out due to dehydration and lack of nutrition. I knew what was wrong with me, but  I couldn't help it.. Pain was my only escape from reality, other than music of course. But you can't listen to music constantly, sadly.. Being beat up was the best part of training, well- in my opinion, others had a free pass for injuring you where I didn't have to do it myself.

So, here we are now, at my dorm. Locked away from everyone else, music being blasted at full volume on my earplugs.

Out of everything..

I just want to be free..

Dead in other words,

I'm not bothering anyone that way,

All problems are taken care of then..

Right..?