Dear Dior,
If I ever leave you just know I'm sorry. I was in love with the streets I forgot to show YOU most of it. But don't think I forgot about your voice. Use it. Don't hesitate. I wanna hear the crowd chanting your words from up here. I love you baby girl even if it's just written on some paper.
Yours Truly,
Shakur
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I felt my eyes tearing up as I read the letter. I didn't think this day would come so soon. If only he had just listened to mom and quit selling that shit he would've still been here.
"Hey sweetheart, you okay?" My mom asks me. I look up and she's standing at my door.
I hope she wasn't standing there all this time. I hated crying in front of her. I nod my head, trying to hold back the tears. She comes to sit beside me on the bed and rubs my back gently.
"I know it hurts baby you don't have to hide your feelings" she says. It was almost like she was reading my mind. I lay my head on her shoulder and slowly the tears run down my cheeks. I feel her soft hand wipe them away. She gets up, landing a kiss on my forehead and says, "let's go say our goodbyes".
I get up fixing my dress and put on my high heels. My feet are gonna hurt bad after this. I was so used to wearing Jordan's everywhere I go. He used to love that about me but mom always thought it made me look like a tomboy. He was the first one who ever got me the Space Jam 11s. It was the happiest day of my life. I kept them clean for 3 whole years until he got me a new pair. I still continued maintaining them. I decided to take off my heels and put those on instead. For him. He would've wanted that. My mom, I'm not so sure about.
"Honey!!" My mom yells. "I'm coming" I reply. I check myself in the mirror one last time and run down the stairs. "Girl what did I say about running down them stairs" my mom says. "Sorry ma" I chuckle. We get all our stuff and walk to the car. Im surprised she doesn't say anything about my shoes, maybe she didn't notice. By the time we get to church it'll be too late anyway.
After about 10 min in the car we finally arrive. Everyone's there waiting on us with sad looks. He had an impact on alotta of people. My mom parks the car and we hop out. All heads turn towards us. Aunties, uncles, cousins, grandmas, and grandpas start coming our way. They all apologize for our loss and all that. I think after the first apology I start getting annoyed. I get tired of hearing it cause it all just sounds like a big fat reminder that he's gone.
I start walking away to give some time to myself before I have to see him in the casket. I have no clue if I'm even ready for that. I feel scared thinking that I might breakdown right there in front of everybody. Or that I won't wanna let him go and people will have to try and remove me. But I don't care. He meant a lot to me and it hurts knowing he's gone. So even if I did break down I'd know exactly why.
"Boo!" someone screams behind me. I jump outta my thoughts so quick. I turn around to see that it's just Jaheim. "Dammit nigga why'd you do that?!" I scream at him. "Chill D, you looked like you was in wonderland or something...you good?"
Jaheim had to be the most annoying best friend I could ever have. He had no filter and always found everything as a joke. But he also had the biggest heart. He would do anything for his loved ones and I always looked up to him cause of that. And of course he knew how to lighten up the mood with his hype ass.
"Yeah I'm fine" I say going to sit on the bench. I didn't realize this whole time I was standing, all up in my thoughts. "Sorry I scared you" he says. "It's cool" I respond. There's a quiet pause between us. It seems awkward cause there's never a quiet pause between me and Jahiem. But today is just different.
"You think you ready?" he finally asks breaking the silence. I look at him. He turns to face me as well. With Jaheim I'm never afraid to cry. I done cried so many times in front of him over alotta stuff. Like when I first got my ears pierced, or when I thought I was dying when I got my period. He's always there for me. I feel a tear drop go down my cheek. I shake my head no to answer his question. I'm not ready to see him lying in that casket, lifeless. I want to see him coming home for dinner, watch me play my basketball games, train me and push me to always get better. He was there to hear my first song, my worst songs and my best songs. But now he's gone. I can't do any of that anymore.
Jahiem pulls me into a hug and I automatically feel safe. I stop myself from crying cause I know everybody would start to hover around me again. "He's safe now D, don't worry" I hear Jaheim whisper. I nod my head in agreement. He finally lets go and we watch everyone start to enter the church. I look around for my mom but she isn't outside. She's probably already in there waiting for me. I tell Jaheim I'll see him after the ceremony and we part ways. I walk up to the front and find my mom sitting there with her bag beside her to save me a seat. As if no one knows that we are supposed to sit at the front. I quickly walk over there and sit down. I feel her hand go on top of mine, making me calm.
Shortly, The priest starts the ceremony and after about 30 min, he calls people up to pay their respects. Me and my mom are the last ones going up. The whole church goes silent. My mom goes first. I can see tears going down her face. She tries to fight them by shaking her head but they just kept on coming. Until her sister takes her hand, guiding her to the side and embracing her. It's now my turn but I'm frozen. I can't move and apart of me doesn't want to at all. I feel a hand behind my back. It's Jaheim. "I got you" he says to me. I start walking up. I gesture Jahiem to let me go. I wanna do this alone, I just want it to be me and him.
I'm now face to face with him. His eyes are closed. And his lips look smooth almost like they still have life in them. But of course it's not the same. It feels surreal. He cant talk, he can't move, he can't be himself. He's stuck there and I can't help him. I couldn't help him before he was gone too. He was stuck in the game and nobody could get him out, not even mom. Until the game finally took him forever. I take his hand and it's cold. He never had cold hands, they were always warm. As soon as I feel my eyes start to water I look at him one last time with a blurry vision and place a soft kiss on his cheek. I go back to sit down with my mom, where she's finally stopped crying but I know the pain is still there. I lay my head on her shoulder and close my eyes. Until the ceremony is finally over.
