Grateful computer programmer MR RICHARD DOOP is arguing with brave nurse DR HANNAH SUPERHALK. RICHARD tries to hug HANNAH but she shakes him off.
RICHARD
Please Hannah, don't leave me.
HANNAH
I'm sorry Richard, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
RICHARD
I am such a person!
HANNAH frowns.
HANNAH
I'm sorry, Richard. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HANNAH leaves.
RICHARD sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, modest knight SIR TRISTAN WILLIS barges in looking flustered.
RICHARD
Goodness, Tristan! Is everything okay?
TRISTAN
I'm afraid not.
RICHARD
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
TRISTAN
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire hurt a bunch of kittens!
RICHARD
Defenseless kittens?
TRISTAN
Yes, defenseless kittens!
RICHARD
Bloomin' heck, Tristan! We've got to do something.
TRISTAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
RICHARD
You can start by telling me where this happened.
TRISTAN
I was...
TRISTAN fans himself and begins to wheeze.
RICHARD
Focus Tristan, focus! Where did it happen?
TRISTAN
St Michael's Mount, Cornwall! That's right - St Michael's Mount, Cornwall!
RICHARD springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
RICHARD rushes along the street, followed by TRISTAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
RUTH GREY a selfish vampire terrorises two kittens.
RICHARD, closely followed by TRISTAN, rushes towards RUTH, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
TRISTAN
What is is? What's the matter?
RICHARD
That's not just any old vampire, that's Ruth Grey!
TRISTAN
Who's Ruth Grey?
RICHARD
Who's Ruth Grey? Who's Ruth Grey? Only the most selfish vampire in the universe!
TRISTAN
Blinkin' knickers, Richard! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish vampire in the universe!
RICHARD
You can say that again.
TRISTAN
Blinkin' knickers, Richard! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish vampire in the universe!
RICHARD
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
Ruth turns and sees Richard and Tristan. She grins an evil grin.
RUTH
Richard Doop, we meet again.
TRISTAN
You've met?
RICHARD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young RICHARD is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees RUTH. He takes off his headphones.
RUTH
Would you like some fruit gums?
RICHARD's eyes light up, but then he studies RUTH more closely, and looks uneasy.
RICHARD
I don't know, you look kind of selfish.
RUTH
Me? No. I'm not selfish. I'm the least selfish vampire in the world.
RICHARD
Wait, you're a vampire?
RICHARD runs away, screaming.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
RUTH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
TRISTAN
(To RICHARD) You ran away?
RICHARD
(To TRISTAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
RICHARD turns to RUTH.
RICHARD
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
RICHARD runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
RICHARD
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with stakes.
RUTH
I'm not scared of you.
RICHARD
You should be.
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - LATER THAT DAY
RICHARD and TRISTAN walk around searching for something.
RICHARD
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
TRISTAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
RICHARD
You know nothing Tristan Willis.
TRISTAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, RUTH appears, holding a pair of stakes.
RUTH
Looking for something?
TRISTAN
Crikey, Richard, she's got your stakes.
RICHARD
Tell me something I don't already know!
TRISTAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
RICHARD
I know that already!
TRISTAN
I bite my toenails.
RUTH
(appalled) Dude!
While RUTH is looking at TRISTAN with disgust, RICHARD lunges forward and grabs his deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
RICHARD
Prepare to die, you selfish potato!
RUTH
No please! All I did was hurt a bunch of kittens!
HANNAH enters, unseen by any of the others.
RICHARD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Richard Doop defender of innocent kittens.
RUTH
Don't hurt me! Please!
RICHARD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
RUTH
Because Richard, I am your mother.
RICHARD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
RICHARD
No you're not!
RUTH
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
RUTH tries to grab the stakes but RICHARD dodges out of the way.
RICHARD
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, RUTH slumps to the ground.
TRISTAN
Did she just faint?
RICHARD
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
RICHARD crouches over RUTH's body.
TRISTAN
Be careful, Richard. It could be a trick.
RICHARD
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Ruth Grey is dead!
RICHARD
What?
RICHARD
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
TRISTAN claps his hands.
TRISTAN
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
HANNAH steps forward.
HANNAH
Is it true? Did you kill the selfish vampire?
RICHARD
Hannah how long have you been...?
HANNAH puts her arm around RICHARD.
HANNAH
Long enough.
RICHARD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Ruth Grey.
HANNAH
Then the kittens are safe?
RICHARD
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
HANNAH
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to RICHARD.
RICHARD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Ruth Grey will never hurt kittens ever again, is enough for me.
HANNAH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes RICHARD a shiny pendant
HANNAH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
RICHARD
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
RICHARD
Well, if you insist.
RICHARD takes the pendant.
RICHARD
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
RICHARD turns to HANNAH.
RICHARD
Does this mean you want me back?
HANNAH
Oh, Richard, of course I want you back!
RICHARD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
RICHARD
Well you can't have me.
HANNAH
WHAT?
RICHARD
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
HANNAH
But...
RICHARD
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Tristan.
TRISTAN grins.
HANNAH
But...
TRISTAN
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HANNAH
Richard?
RICHARD
I'm sorry Hannah, but I think you should skidaddle.
HANNAH leaves.
TRISTAN turns to RICHARD.
TRISTAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
RICHARD
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly TRISTAN stops.
TRISTAN
When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
THE END
