Journal.

Journal #1

Have you ever felt like a Pariah? Delusional? Numb?
Out of place? Sad for no reason? I wish I could say I didn't. I wish I could walk down these halls with my head held high, and a strut in my walk. I wish I didn't feel malicious, or like I wanted to die just to get away.
Have you ever looked into the mirror and had no idea who you were looking at? Ever look at your body and be disgusted with the sight of it? Have you ever done an activity and don't remember doing any of it? I wish I could say I didn't. Looking into a mirror, and not recognizing yourself is one of the scariest things in the world; It's like there's a stranger staring back at you- and you can't do anything about it. Activities like writing a paragraph, watching tv, even driving become a struggle when you don't remember what you're doing.
Have you ever shut any one out of your life because you were scared? Have you ever told someone to leave you alone, even when you wanted them there with you? Have you ever just wanted to hide where no one will find you? I wish I didn't. You're not scared of them physically, you're scared of what you might say. You push people away because having no one, is easier then letting people down. Being alone is something I strive for, but can't do.
Have you ever been scared to be alone? Scared because of what you might do? Scared because you don't trust yourself? Been there. Been there many times before. Where I can't be alone because im scared for myself. I'm scared things might happen again. Scares by having objects close to me, and having ergers to do something.
Do you know how much energy it takes to walk these halls and fake a smile for 5 hours a day? Or having to say you're feeling good so people don't question you? How about feeling mentally and emotionally drained for no reason? Have you ever been so emotionally drained you can't do anything? Can't get out of bed, can't go to work, can't spend time with family, can't get dressed, can't even read a sentence because you can focus? Or wanting nothing to do with your favourite thing in life? How about not wanting to talk out loud because you're afraid no one will listen?
Sometimes I think having no emotion is better. Or being able to hide away is better then confronting people. Or even having no one is better then being surrounded by people.