Public Diary

Decisions

I'm thinking of doing it. I don't know why this terrible thing is going through my head. I want to tell someone of what I might do but, it's really embarrassing to me. Scared they'll just give me a sideways look or laugh. I want to do it, the voice is telling me to. But I'm terrified. I've heard what could happen to you if you stop eating. How toxic your mind gets, how your metabolism slows down. And yet there is still a part of me that sees a good side. I'll finally lose serious weight. I'll finally hit my goal size. I won't be embarrassed to stand on a scale for my doctor. But if I let the voice win, my mind will be completely surrounded by the toxic voice of reasoning. And, surprisingly, I don't feel like dying right now. But as I'm writing this I'm still thinking that I should atleast try it. I'm worried, worried that I'll hurt myself. But, I'm also scared that I'll be FAT for the rest of my life. And I definitely won't let that happen. But regular diets don't work! I've been trying them for so long. Those things are useless to me. I need something stronger, more powerful. But I don't want to be sick and cold and alone... What should I do?! The toxic voices are winning. What happens now? What happens when I do it? Maybe I shouldn't. But it sounds like it could fix me. Like I'll finally be happy about myself, not disgusted. But my family, what happens if they find out?
       
                                     ~Anonymous