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epilogue

Once, Heraclitus of Greece claimed that the only thing that is permanent in this world is change. And I guess, he's kinda right. Of all main ideas presented by the pre-Socratic philosophers about the fundamental substance of reality, his concept hit me the most, for nothing stays in this realm but change.

Everything change, in just a snap of your fingers or even a blink of your eyes, you'll realized that things aren't the same anymore...that fast.

Chills run down to my spine as the freezing touch of the night's breeze kissed my pale skin. Stars shine brightly unto the vastitude of the sky together with the moon who's busy having some staring match with me. Everything in here seems so calm, the way how the leaves dance upon the soft rhythm of the wind, the way how few people here converse with their companies, the way how clouds passed by the empyrean's surface-everything is flowing softly, the world is tranquil.

And I wish my mind so as my thoughts do the same, because contrary to the vibe of my surroundings, there is something disastrous happening inside my head. Thoughts keep running all over this little corner messing my senses and destroying my focus. It's been weeks but my mind's still like this.

I am still like this.

What could be the reason? I don't know. Or maybe, I really did know but I am just too afraid to admit what this thing is all about. Maybe I am just afraid that for the first time, after years of turning myself into this new version I could've ever imagine, I failed. I failed to keep up this facade, I failed for I let someone break the walls I build for years.

I failed for I let her messed up with me again.

I can't understand myself. I don't know if she's the real reason why am I acting like this, or I am just that confused of what's happening. I don't know. I don't really know. Things go this way when I decided to end our so called friendship, she's always up to messing me up...right?

How can she be this cruel?

I told her to stay way from me but she's still here-visiting my mind, making me think of all these thoughts. Kung hindi ko siya pinaalis, kung hinayaan ko lang sana siya, will things go this way?

You can't blame me, I just can't stand befriending her again for no matter how I try to forget everything in the past, I can't. No matter how hard I try to give her a chance, a time to explain her side, I can't for she is the reason why I've changed-he turned me into this cold, emotionless being who doesn't give a damn about everything the moment she left me hanging.

I am wondering if fate hates me so much that it gives me this perplexing kismet. I don't want to read her name on my inbox nor have a conversation with her yet I was longing for that feeling, for those moments when she was still a stranger...my stranger.

Ah. I should stop thinking this way nor calling her with such a name because she is not really one. Because she's Polaris, the person I don't want to be with.

I am fine. I am fine without anyone else, without her, bakit pa kasi siya bumalik? Kung nagawa niyang umalis, bakit di niya pinanindigan?

Ah shit. This is too much drama.

I let my fingers run through the strands of my hair as I kick the stone out of frustration. This is indeed frustrating. I don't want to spend the night with this kind of feeling. I crave for peace, I long for silent nights where my thoughts does not keep me awake at night.

"Ah, stranger..", I heaved a deep sigh. "Why do you need to mess my mind like this? You're making it so difficult for me to live my life."

She told me she'll do everything to make me live smoothly, maybe if she was just a different person, she can and she probably would help me with the wisdom and positivity she had but...she turned out to be the least person I want to befriend with.

"You are really a pain in the ass, stranger. Ah no. Polaris rather. Why do you need to mess me up big time? Bullshit."

"Caleb."

Everything stopped the moment I heard that voice. Sounds coming from the background fades and all I can hear is my ragged breathing and her's. I stiffly stood from the bench I was sitting in when I heard her utter some words again.

"I'm sorry."

And with that, I started walking away from the scene, without looking back, without even taking a single glance on her face. Why does she have to be here? Just why?

I heaved a very deep sigh as soon as I took my last step out of the park. Pinagmasdan ko ang daang tinahak ko palayo sa pwesto kung saan nandoon siya. I felt a sudden pang in between my ribcage as soon as I thought of what I did-walking away all of sudden when I had the opportunity to hear her out.

I know what I did is right, that she deserves being treated that way. She left me when I needed her the most, she disappeared when I was on my knees. She left me back then and I did just now but..

Why do I suddenly feel so sorry?

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anam cara duology - book one
completed