I WATCH as he blows smoke through the corner of his mouth. He peers at me, then passes the joint. I relax as I take a long drag.
Running a hand down the side of his face, he pauses. "Why did you come here?" he asks, his voice hoarse.
It's 2 in the morning. His bedroom is dimly lit and already cloudy with smoke. I sit perched on the edge of his bed.
I take another drag. "I had nowhere else to go, Letrell."
He shakes his head and sinks into the other side of the mattress. "Of course." he exhales.
I furrow my eyebrows. "It's not like I want to keep coming back here. Back to you."
His eyes meet mine. They're dark and tired. "Then why do you?"
I peer at the carpet instead. Anything to avoid his stare. "I don't know... I don't have anyone else to turn too." I finally say. My voice is low and weak.
Things between Letrell and I are complicated. Our whole relationship is complicated. He's my ex but somehow I always find myself running back to him. Needing him. Like I need him right now.
He sighs. "What happened?" This time his eyes appear sympathetic. He takes the joint from between my fingertips and presses it to his own lips.
I let out a tired breath, wrapping my arms around my body, remembering the events that led up to me knocking on his small apartment door. "My mom, she's been drinking again." I pause. "So, we got into another argument. I was yelling, she was yelling back, throwing things at me." I feel his gaze on me. Studying me. "She told me to leave. She told me not to come back. Ever."
Letrell lets more smoke escape from the side of his lips. "This isn't the first time she kicked you out, Kayla. We've been here before – you knocking down my door, needing a place to stay." He adds.
He's right. My relationship with my mom was just as complicated. Ever since my dad left, we've been at each other's throats. Her constant drinking and me, constantly getting into fights at school. We were a mess. Sometimes I blame her for all of our issues – other days I blame my dad.
"This time is different." I suddenly feel a lump in my throat. "I think she really means it for good." I never cry. I never show emotion. I hide my feelings behind a mask and only show the world what I want them to see. But right now, everything is going wrong and all I want to do is scream. To cry. To release the emotions I've been holding in for so long.
Letrell notices this and pulls me closer to him until I'm nestled against his chest. I focus on his heartbeat, anything to distract myself from what is really going on. My world is falling into pieces and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
"Things will work itself out." His fingers softly stroke the side of my cheek in a familiar motion. I peer at him, admiring his brown skin. He has always been so attractive to me. His dark eyes and his full lips. His touch has always been so warm and comforting.
I hate that our relationship is so complicated. I hate that we spend months together only to break up, then makeup then do it all over again. It's all a tiring cycle. I wish things weren't so difficult between us and we could just start fresh. I wish.
"Kayla..." he starts, but drifts to my lips. He's thinking the same thing as me. It's dangerous but so, so tempting all at the same time.
He slowly moves a lock of my hair behind my ear, silence filling the room.
"We shouldn't..." I begin to turn away but he stops me halfway.
This is how things always started. Smoke, sex, then we makeup. Then a month later we're back to where we started.
I exhale in frustration. I hate that I need him. I hate that we both need each other. I hate that our relationship feels like an endless cycle.
He brings his lips to mine and for a second I forget all of my issues. The fights with my mom. The fights at school. The fights with Letrell. All of it, gone.
I deepen the kiss as he runs his fingers through my curls. I climb over top of him until I'm straddling him. He's the one temptation I can't seem to resist. I can't seem to fight. Something about him always has me running back.
He begins planting kisses along my neck until he reaches my bare chest. He pauses to take off my shirt, revealing my lace bra. His eyes study my skin closely – as if remembering all the times he's seen me naked before. I watch as he unhooks my bra then begins to pull me underneath his covers.
"Why do I always do this to you?" I whisper.
Letrell stops to focus on me. "Do what?"
I roll over so I'm under him. "Put you in this position." I motion around us. "I bring all of the shit going on in my life and dump it all on you." I close my eyes for a second and listen to the sound of our breathing.
He sits up and sighs. "I don't know, Kayla. You're going through some shit and just need someone to confide in. And that someone always happens to be me."
"I'm toxic." I say.
"Maybe. But maybe, I'm just as toxic for letting you back in." he exhales. He brings his forehead to mine, cupping both of my cheeks in his hands. "I don't understand why I constantly let you back in. Sometimes, I feel like we should just call it quits for good but I just can't bring myself to do that. I need you and you need me. The love we have, the love we share is real."
"But don't you think that's unhealthy? We need each other like my mom needs that bottle. This love is addicting."
He hesitates. "It's addicting but it's real. We go through all this shit but at the end of the day we still got each other. We still find our way back to each other."
And that's the problem. And I'm the one to blame. I'm constantly dragging him into my problems. Into my mess. I knock on his door when I need him and he's always there to answer. This whole relationship is a mess because of me. Because of all of the issues I bring to the table. It isn't fair to him.
"I shouldn't keep doing this to you, Letrell." I quickly push the covers from my body and reach for my shirt and pull it over my head. "I can't keep putting you through this." I march toward his bedroom door.
"Wait," Letrell grabs onto my arm but I brush him off. Just as I pull the door open, he slams it shut. "Kayla, stop." When I face him, our bodies are so close that I hold my breath. "You aren't forcing me to go through all of this. I choose too. I need you and you need me. That's never going to change. We both have our issues. We both have shit going on in our lives that mess with our mental. But we need each other and I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. Not when I know there's no one else that can make me feel the way you do."
I release a shaky breath. I press my palm to his cheek. "You make me feel things I can't even explain. You taught me what it's like to be loved. What it's like to be needed...but, I don't want to be your addiction. You deserve better than that."
Tears collect in the corner of my eyes but I don't let them fall until I open his door and walk through it, until I leave his apartment and force myself not to look back.
I don't want to be your addiction.
