Without you

Xana loved him, since the first day they've met at school. Jake loved someone else. Matt, Jake's best friend, loved Xana. On the night of their university graduation Jake died in a car crush with the one he loved.

Matt and Xana sat on the floor in the living room. Heavy metal shook the chandelier. Heavy smoke and alcohol vapours pervaded the room. They grieved. Grieved after his death. The second bottle of vodka found its way into her hand. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she let the fire water down her throat. Matt finished his second joint. He watched her in silence. He waited for the weed to kick in. Xana chocked. The bottle hit the floor as he coughed. With trembling hands, she wiped her mouth. She fell back in silence. She couldn't speak. Her head tilted to a side. A bottle of tequila looked back. It was waiting her. Tempting her.

Matt is watching her grievingly, lovingly...passionately. He is hurting for her. He is hurting for Jake. He loves her. He hates her. Matt doesn't care. And he hates himself. He hates himself. His vision blurred and body relaxed. The weed kicked in. He feels the thrill running through his veins.

Xana drags herself to the bottle. In the back of her mind she knows she is not alone, but she doesn't acknowledge him. The next song plays. While your lips are still red.

He looked at her face, his lips parted. Silent tears are streamed down her cheeks, they dropped on her creased t-shirt.

They were young.

They grieved.

They cried.

She bit her bottom lip. A droplet of blood rolled down her chin. Matt moved closer. Xana ignored him.

Bitter liquid disappeared in her mouth. He reached out and touched her face.

Xana pushed his hand away.

She grabbed a cigarette. Her hands trembled. The fire jumped side to side avoiding the cigarette.

Can't we be together without them forever? Matt repeated the words of the song, but Xana knew he meant them. He meant every word.

He sat up. She moved away.

"I love him. I love him so much," She whispered.

"I know," his strong arms wrapped around her. "I know." He repeated hoarsely.

Xana cried out loud.

She cried ugly, snorting, painfully. She sobbed into his chest. She clenched on his shirt.

His heart ached. Never in his life, Matt witnessed so much pain and sorrow. His grip tightened. Xana screamed.

"Xana. Enough. No more." He held her tightly as he stared emptily into space.

His words went over her head. She didn't hear him.

"Jake. Jake. Jake." She chanted as she rocked back and forth in Matt's arms.

"XANA. ENOUGH."

Matt shook her.

His fingers gripped her chin forcing her to look into his eyes. "ENOUGH. NO MORE."

Xana's hand connect with Matt's face.

"LET GO OF ME. LET GO."

She fought and screamed. She hit him everywhere she could reach but he never let go. Her hair stuck to her wet face. Her eyes looked at him gleaming insane.

"ENOUGH XANA. ENOUGH. LOOK AT ME." He shook her, trying to bring her back to her senses.

More tears dropped on his hand as she blinked and looked up.

"Xana...I'm here,"

She stared at him blankly. Xana didn't see him.

"I'M HERE." He pressed.

She slowly nodded her head.

"I love you."

"I love Jake."

"I love you,"

"Jake..."

Her bottom lip trembled. Her eyes looked like glass.

Matt crashed his lips on hers in a strong forceful kiss. "Matt...my name is Matt," he grunted through the painful kisses.

She fought.

She tried to push him away, but he kissed harder.

"Say my name Xana," Matt bit her lips. "Say my name..." his eyes watered. He pressed his forehead to hers. "Please..."

Her struggles became weaker.

"Matt..." she mouthed. "Matt, it hurts. It's hard to breathe. Matt..." Xana clenched his shirt in his hands. His knuckled turned white.

Matt stroked her cheek. "Say my name again,"

Xana sobbed. "Matt..."

He laid her gently on the cold floor and hovered over. Their eyes met. Their lips met. Their bodies connected. Nothing else mattered.

***

The morning came suddenly. Matt called her name. Xana didn't reply. A worm of doubt bugged him. Matt rushed around the flat. In the kitchen he froze.

Xana laid on the floor in only his shirt.

She laid there in a puddle of her own blood.

Her eyes were wide open. They stared at the ceiling as if it had all the answers. Lips were blue.

Matt dropped on his knees, unseeing, not feeling. With trembling hands, he closed her eyes.

"Xana... why... Xana..." he kissed her cold face. His hand reached out for the knife.

A deep cut up one hand. A deep cup on the other. He felt no pain. The knife hit the floor with a loud thud.

Matt laid beside her. Their heads touched.

"I love you," he whispered and closed his eyes.