Trigger Warnings: Abusive relationships, self-harm, suicide, mentions of substance abuse, depression
"H-He's a good person, fellas. Really!" I said, scratching the back of my neck. They all said he wasn't right for me, but I know he loves me. Or, at...
The bus ride to school was boring. It was mostly me just staring out of the window, watching cars pass. I think at some point the kid sitting next to me, Scott Malkinson, but I was engrossed in looking outside. I grab my stuff and hop off the bus, humming a song I heard one time. I don't remember what it was, but it has a nice tune. I skipped into class, noticing Mr. Garrison wasn't there yet. Eric was arguing with Kyle, as usual, and Kenny appeared to be flirting with Stan. None of Craig's group had come into class, yet. I noticed that there was a flower on my desk. It was a pretty white chrysanthemum with gentle looking petals in a blue vase. It's easy for me to recognize it, as I've always had a fascination with flowers. "Aw! How pretty!" I say to myself. There was a note in the vase, that said 'love, Cartman' The sight made me smile. He's such a sweet guy. I wish he was more open about our relationship, but he's afraid people will make fun of him for 'dating a pussy.' Come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure what that means. The chubby boy caught me looking in his direction, and he grinned at me smugly. I feel as if my heart is pierced. It makes me so happy to see him smile. I sit at my seat. It's hard to focus in class for the rest of the day, because my mind is swirling with thoughts. Mostly of Eric. Before I know it, school is over, and I'm walking home. When I open the door, my mom greets me. I didn't see my dad's car in the driveway, so I figured I was safe from any further groundings. "How was your day, son?" Mom asks, sitting on the couch. I walk and sit next to her. "I-It was good! Somebody left me a flower on my desk." I blush when I say this, and hide my face in Eric's jacket hood. "What kind?" "It was a white chrysanthemum." I say, smiling. My mom immediately gasped. "Butters, white chrysanthemum represents death! You put it on a person's desk when they die, or if you want them to die!"
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"W-what?" The realization shot through me like a bullet. He probably didn't know what it meant! But if he did.. I could feel tears burning at my eyes. I can't apply my usual, "oh, I'm happy something could make me feel so strongly" mentality. I run upstairs, burying my face in my pillows. If Eric thinks I'm better off dead.. Maybe I am. I hear my phone go off.
❤Bae 😻❤❤ [Hey Butters] [Hi.] [What's wrong] [You knew what those flowers meant, didn't you?] [Lmao yeah] [Do you..want me dead?] [Yep] [Ah. Okay. You know, I'm not sure this is gonna work out, Eric.] [Are you breaking up with me?] [Um. I guess.] [Don't leave me Butters! I'll kill myself!] [Oh gosh!! I'm sorry, please don't hurt yourself!]
He hasn't responded yet. I'm so scared. My body is shaking. So much. I feel like I'm about to pass out. Eric is going to kill himself because of me. I look around my room, for anything I can use to relax myself.
My eyes land on a pencil sharpener. I stood up, biting my lip. This is a terrible idea. What if my dad finds out? But it doesn't matter right now. I need to calm down.
I disassemble the sharpener, my hands shaking wildly. I pick up the razor out of the sharpener, almost dropping it because of my sweaty hands. I anxiously drive it across my arm, causing a slit. It hurt. But in a good way. I deserve all the pain in the world for what I did. I make another cut. And another. And another. And another. I find myself bleeding all over my bedroom, and quickly go to wash off my arm. Watching the blood trickle off the cuts and into the sink gave off an odd sense of comfort. I go straight to sleep, not even bothering with dinner.
When I wake up in the morning, it's oddly hard to get out of bed. I check my phone. Nothing. No notifications. I get on my clothes, making sure to throw on a jacket. It helps Eric's is red, so it'll hide any blood stains. I take a long glance at the razor and the dismembered sharpener. It's a bad habit. Once I start, will I ever be able to even stop?
Fuck it. I grab the sharp object and slip it into my pocket. I run straight out of the house. My mom tried to get me back, but I sprint straight to the bus stop Eric and his buddies hang around. Kyle and Kenny are there, but nobody else. Panting, I shake the red head by his shoulders. "I-Is Eric alive?!" I ask, practically shouting. Kyle looks astonished by my outburst. "Uh, yeah dude. Why would Fatass be dead?" I show him the texts we exchanged. He shrugs. "He's like that. He claims he's being abused in relationships, but you try to break up with him, and he says he'll kill himself. It sucks ass." He says. I sigh with relief. Then I hear footsteps. "Eric!" I exclaim, tackle hugging him over to the ground. "Get off me, you fucking pussy!" He hisses. Kyle and Kenny just watch, unsure of how to help. Then I see the jewish boy's eyes land on a sparkling object on the ground. "Butters, what's this?" He asks, bending over and picking up the bloody razor. All of the color drained from my face. "I-It's not what it looks like, fellas!" I say, standing up.
Kenny comes over and pulls up my sleeves. "What the fuck, Leo?!" He exclaims. It's easy for me to make out what he's saying, unlike most people. I can feel tears rolling down my face. "I..I.." I can't even utter a word. Then, I hear something. Laughing. Eric is laughing. "Look! The gay pussy cut himself because he thought I killed myself!" He says, continuing to laugh loudly. The bus shows up. Saved by the bus, again.
