searching in hope

Maybe, after all those years of searching, this was it.

I paused, standing on the welcome mat, as my hand froze in front of the door. I took a deep breath and, with a trembling hand, tapped three times.

The bustle of conversation briefly stopped, and I heard footsteps rushing to the door. The turn of the lock and creak of the door as it opened revealed a stooped old lady, looking up at me.

Was this it?

I barely noticed the family seated in the living room, craning their necks to look at the new visitor. With no response from the old woman, my breath quickened, and my head began to pound. I unconsciously wound and unwound my fingers into knots as my thoughts began to race; I lowered my gaze and stood there, chest heaving underneath the porch light. I was wrong again - I would have to start my search all over again- my family was not here, they were never here; I would never find them, and they undoubtedly had forgotten about me; I would never know what it was like to be loved; I would never find my family, never find my home, it was certain!

I stared at my feet through a blur of tears that I hadn't remembered crying when a coarse but warm hand fell on my arm. I started and drew away, but I wiped my eyes and looked up to see the old lady with her gaze still fixed on me.

As I looked at her, questioning, her eyes gradually filled with tears, mirroring mine, and I saw a small smile filled with bitter joy stretch across her face. She spoke, and her voice was infused with a kind of sweet warmth reminiscent of cookies straight out of the oven.

"You would always knot your fingers together whenever agitated."

I started in shock.

The old lady in front of me smiled softly, tears flowing down her face. Behind her, everyone was quiet, watching, listening, hoping.

My throat caught; I had a thousand things to say but they were bunched up in my throat, stuck in a bottleneck.

"It can't be."

The words came out almost of their own accord, hushed and croaky.

She blinked, still smiling, and in the back of the house there was an anticipating quiet as the family looked over, wondering.

"We've missed you, Mara."

As I heard those words, a sob came out of my chest like a thunderclap as I brought my hands to my face. At long last, my journey had been resolved, the location of my heart found!

"I'm so sorry it took me so long," I whispered, but the old lady, my own mother, shook her head, cutting me off, as tears flowed loosely down our faces.

The old lady took me in her arms as the family, no, my family, arose as one and joined me.

For the first time in my life that I could remember, I felt love.