Somehow, I Found Me

I never thought that opening up would be so hard.

It turns out it was.

We all have that one thing that tortures us. Something we wish never happened. Something so life-changing, you knew you'd never be the same; that there'd always be pieces left to pick up.

Let me set the stage. August 17, 2018. The last night of my first year at Washington Family Ranch — Creekside, aka, Young Life camp. I'd wanted to go, but there was no way in heck I could afford it. Somehow, I'd won a free trip to camp that summer. I didn't know how much I needed it until the last night.

There's this tradition that we have at Young Life camp. The last night of camp, Work Crew does their cardboard testimonials, and seeing their pasts, the things that God helped them get away from, I identified with more of them than I thought I would. And to this day, I don't know what came over me, but I pulled my leader Sophie aside that night and I asked her to gather all of the girls from my cabin.

"Are you okay, Kate?" she asked, worried.

"I need to tell them something," I replied.

Sophie nodded and grabbed my other three leaders, Anna, Blair, and Hailey, who helped her round up the other fifteen girls in my cabin.

I remember that night, as I waited for the girls, I was looking up. Back home, I couldn't really see the stars. Here, I could see every single one. I remember picking out some of my favorite constellations, trying to calm myself down before spilling my guts to the girls.

As the girls gathered around me, I took a deep breath and grabbed my newfound friend Stella's hand.

I don't know how long we were there, and I don't remember what amount of the time was me just sitting there crying or me actually telling my story. But Blair just held me as I cried, Hailey rubbed my back comfortingly, and Stella just kept holding my hand.

"Everybody put a hand on Kate. I want to say a prayer," Sophie said, breaking the silence.

I felt hands everywhere on me. My shoulders. My back. My knees. My arms. Some of them were over the scars on my body. Sophie had my hands in hers as she prayed.

"Lord, it was no accident that you brought Kate here. You knew that she was broken and needed healing, and you brought her somewhere she could receive it," Sophie said.

I don't remember much of Sophie's prayer that night. I don't remember how I got back to the cabin.

My favorite memory from that night was before I went to bed.

After I washed my face, I looked in the mirror, and I felt all my broken pieces reassembling as I thought about how the others still accepted me, even after knowing about my torturous past.

For the first time, I truly loved what I saw.