A Different Kind of Hope

Growing up you expect your mom to be encouraging and loving. That wasn't the case for me.

I grew up in an environment where I was constantly scared of life. Scared of doing the wrong thing, singing the wrong song, and, at times, telling the truth, even if it wasn't anything serious.

The first time I really remember noticing something was off, that I shouldn't be in constant fear, was probably when I talked to the judge, for the first time, during the custody hearing between my parents. The judge was asking all of these questions, then finally she asked, "Who do you want to live with?" My mind instantly went to my mom, not because she was the better parent, but because I was genuinely terrified that if I didn't say that I wanted to live with her something bad would happen. I didn't know what, but I knew something would happen.

And I was right.

Four and half years later an emergency custody hearing was held, and boy was it necessary. My mother was on about to be on trial for arson to commit fraud and was out on bail. My siblings and I were child crime victims, of that crime, living under the same roof as the perpetrator, her. But before the hearing I had to do one thing: talk to that same judge once more.

At that point in my life, I had blocked out a lot of terrible things that were going on, so when the question of who I wanted to live with was brought up I just said my dad. I knew that, even if I didn't really know why and no matter how scared I was if her, it was time to get out of there. Luckily, thanks to all of the other information piled up against her, my siblings and I got out of there.

Six months later she was dead (we later found out she had killed herself). I cried, not because I was sad, but I was just so relived. I no longer had to be scared.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt a different kind of hope, not the kind of hope you feel when you want something for your birthday or when you want a good grade on your test, but the hope of, "Hey, you may be hurting and you may have been for a while now, but that flashlight you've been looking for it's right here. I have no idea if it has batteries, but give a try, and if it doesn't, look for them."