Sincerely, Hennesse

Royally Torn & Confused

October 27, 2019 2:19 A.M.-2:43 A.M.

I HATE MYSELF!!! I've cheated on my boyfriend and I'm not even guilty. I don't have the same feelings I thought I had for him. I don't want to be with him anymore, and as the days go on, I realize even more than the day before that I'm not attracted to him like that. I like him as a friend and I'm not so sure if I'm sexually attracted to him either. I want to wait until I see him, but my heart and my body are elsewhere. I think about someone else and want to be with someone else. 

This third factor has be all sorts of fucked up. I avoided him, I tried for the first few weeks of school. I knew if I didn't distance myself for him I would've fallen. And jokes on me because I have fallen for someone else. 

I've become someone that I never wanted to be, I've become my mother. I hated cheaters, despised them, swore to never be one and that's exactly what I've become. I've become the very person that I vowed never to be.

But now I understand so completely why cheaters cheat, or for my case I think I know. My body yearned for the other factor. Every time I'm with this said someone I cannot not feel nothing for him. I want him and what is even more horrible is that I hate seeing him with other people. This someone has also put whatever we've been doing on pause. He paused it because he's a better person than I'll ever be. Sometimes I feel trapped between what I should and shouldn't do. If I leave my boyfriend hates me and so does his family, if I stay I loose on what is right now the best thing in my life and then I'll be miserable in my relationship.

My boyfriend sees us long term and I know that I'm not. He's great, his family is great, but it's just too early to tell whether or not I want to be with him, and my heart right now is telling me no. I'm not built for distance...I don't want it. And this third party, I have so much in common with him, like to the T. I've talked to him and he actually seems interested in what I'm trying to say. And because we have so much in common, he gets what I'm saying and coming from. 

Being a nineteen year old girl is not easy at all. I hate myself for cheating. I hate myself for not showing strength. I hate myself for wanting someone that isn't mine. I hate how I got angry that he ended things for now. Like how is that fair that I'm in a "relationship" and have him but he's single and having a girl that's truly not really his. He's a better person than I'll ever be for realizing that what we've been doing isn't good. And I wish he wasn't such a good person so it wouldn't have to end. 

I want him and that realization breaks my heart because me and my boyfriend have had such a great time together in the short amount of time. I'm not good at relationships, I hate myself. I told myself I didn't want a boyfriend in college and that's what happened. I didn't want it to happen and it did. I think this is solidifying my decision with breaking up with my boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend right now. I want my own thing, and he, my boyfriend, isn't what I want in my thing. I want to be his friend and that's it. I can't be with him anymore, and as I type this I don't feel anything towards the situation. He's a great kid, but I don't fit into his life. 

I find myself talking more about this third party than I do about my own boyfriend, which is saying a lot. 

I feel very fucked up right now. I'm a horrible person. I understand whatever karma comes my way after this all panes out. If things don't end up working with me and Mr. third party than that is my own doing. 

I wish sometimes that going through life had a handbook. I'm only nineteen and my story is way more interesting than someone who has been alive for twenty-five years. I'm a hot mess and I don't think I can ever really recover from this right now. For the past few weeks my mind has been a cluster fuck of what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space and that I'm not truly amounting to anything. I don't know I just really hate myself right now. And i'm not going to get any sleep so that's always a plus! 

Well at least I'm writing, I had writer's block before, I guess when feelings come to play it's like an endless waterfall. Well, until tomorrow when I'm crying and can't go to sleep! 

Sincerely Royally Torn & Confused,

Hennesse Decker :-/