(Sorry, I'm shit at updating...)
All it took was a few words and there I was once again leaning over the toilet forcing the food up with one hand and holding my best friend in my other hand. I’ve officially named him Coupe, which is French for cutting. Its fitting for him, well it, my only companion. He’s sharp, flat, tiny, smooth, old fashioned, and shiny. Sadly enough my blade is my only friend. I enjoy thinking my skin is a canvass and with my blade, Coupe, I can create artwork. I can also create magic with my best friend. For instance, I can draw with silver, but it turns out red. Therefore, not only am I fat and ugly and worthless, but I am also an artist and a magician. What a wonderful life to live. But there is no time to focus on that right now, right now I have to get all the food I ate out of my system. I am fat and I eat too much. Today I’ve had a cracker and three pieces of lettuce and a sliver of tomato. I’ve eaten too much and I need to get it out. The only thing I can justifiably eat is celery. I don’t eat much, but I should probably eat more. The only reason I actually eat celery is the fact that it actually makes you lose weight. Yeah, I should be eating more.
With a final wretch, all the food is out of my body and I can finally flush the toilet and brush my teeth. With that I take Coupe and lightly run him over the skin on my arm. I finally push down and quickly slash and slice the skin on my arms. I don’t stop until I see beads of ruby red liquid form on the lines of art I’ve made on my forearms. Tonight I’ve made more artwork on my body. It feels so good, to actually be able to feel. It was hard, I haven’t been able to cut in three days. It was driving me crazy. That’s all I’ve been wanting to do. Cut. Cut. I am worthless and I needed to cut. And now there is only relief. I don’t bother wrapping my art just yet. I let the cuts openly bleed for a few moments before I know that it was time to clean up. It was times like these when I was grateful for my fathers’ late work days. It also gave me the excuse of saying that I had already eaten. I didn’t really interact with him and my mom wasn’t in the picture. I was grateful though. My father says she was a lovely woman, but how could a woman leave her two month child alone in a car during the summer and run off with some guy she just met? I hope the bitch was dead. The only thing she caused my dad was heartache. My life wasn’t always like this hell. I used to be normal. I had a few close friends. I was happy and content. But, that was before I became aware of all the bullshit and lies that was society and everyone who populated the earth. Which is a gigantic number of people and I will not be bothered the know the exact number.
“Luciana! I’m home.” I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear the garage door open. I scrambled to bandage my arms and wash the blood off my hand and the blade. Reaching over to grab a cloth and clean my face, I balanced on my left foot to flush the toilet with the toe of my right shoe. When I heard the suction of the water being dragged down into the pipes, I shoved the cloth under the water and scrubbed my face. I stashed Coupe into the box I usually keep him in and then shoved the box into the drawer with all my womanly supplies in it.
“I’ll be right down dad! Just give me a minute.” I quickly did a glance over, and double checked my self to ensure nothing could be seen. I gave a small nod, but with a frown on my face and turned to open the door. Now was as good a time as any. My dad didn’t know. He could never know about my cutting. The only thing that actually keeps me alive is the only source of lightness in my life; music, and more specifically Stealing Northern Moons.
Stealing Northern Moons is a band that originated from Australia. At first no one knew about them, they were just a little YouTube channel that was like my little secret, but now they keep getting bigger and bigger. Four guys make up the band; Daniel, Tyler, Lucas, and Michael. Michael has and will always be my favourite. Daniel plays the drums, Tyler plays bass, Lucas plays guitar, Michael plays guitar and they all sing. Daniel has golden brown hair that he likes to keep long so he can headbang when he is playing, whiskey colored eyes, extremely well built, and had small gauges. Daniel is like a sun God, tan. Tyler has black hair that he tends to keep shorter, dark brown colored eyes, biceps to kill, and a lip piercing. Like Daniel, Tyler is also a sun God, extremely tanned. Lucas has dirty blonde hair that he keeps in a quiff at all times, electric blue eyes, and a diamond nose stud. Lucas hates the sun and is fairly pale. Michael has light brown hair that is just messy in an extremely sexy way, light green eyes, and a killer eyebrow piercing. Michael hates the sun even more that Luke does and is probably in the range of ‘ghost’. The four band members were six feet or over, all had drop dead gorgeous looks, bodies to kill, and talent coming out of their ass. Basically Stealing Northern Moons was a band made out of four teen aged Gods.
I walked down stairs to see my father in his work uniform; a formal suit. We had the same routine everyday, he asked me how school was, I would reply with a ‘fine’, or ‘it was school’. He would asked me what if I already ate, I would say yes, he would ask me what I had to eat, I would say something random that I found in the fridge and actually either threw away or fed to my neighbor's dog, a German-shepherd named Harley. I would next tell him I had homework to do and he would excuse me. My dad wasn’t bad at being a dad, but he wasn’t the greatest either. I mean, he loves me and always wants the best for me, but that’s about it. Nothing more and nothing less. What we have is what we have and we make do. I stopped eating, he worked more, I kept secrets, he never asks anyways. Sure, every family has their problems, but my father and I were dysfunctional.
“Hey, Lucy. What’d ya have tonight?” Food, he always wants to know about food.
“Oh, um, I just went out with friends today. We ate at this little cafe place thing and yeah, that’s it.” I forgot to get rid of something in the fridge and I had to say something. I had gotten so good at lying that I forgot that I actually lied anymore. To me, everything I said I believed, therefore it was true to whomever I told it too. My number one philosophy is “If you believe it, others will believe it”.
“Was the food any good?” It was always food.
“Not really, I wouldn’t go back, besides I don’t really remember what the place was called anyways.” He gave me a nod and he was back to thinking about work, stressing over my grades, and all the bills. “Well, anyways, I’ve got a ton of homework, so I think I’ll go work on that.”
“Yeah, okay, that fine.” I walked out of the kitchen and through the hallway and had one foot on the bottom step. “Lucy!” I cringed and turned my head toward the kitchen.
“Yeah dad?”
“Don’t forget we have that diner thing tomorrow for my work.” I physically felt pain at his words.
“How could I forget?” I spoke under my breath, and then shouted back. “Yeah, I won’t forget.” I turned back around and walked up stairs, already planning my escape of eating at the diner tomorrow. I had a successful full proof plan I was already putting into place when I got into my room. I slipped into my bed and switched the light on my lamp off. Darkness fell quickly as I finalized my plan. Tomorrow would be another successful day in my book.
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