Carta Visa

2nd Round

“Many people say living in this condo brings happiness. The north points to fame,  the east points to wealth, the west points to support, while the south points to spiritual protection.”

(TN: The auspicious directions or feng shui)

“That’s not all Petch,” the previous owner of the room said as she lowered her voice to a whisper, like she had a secret hidden away from the rest of the world, her thick elongated eyelashes covered in mascara batting up and down dramatically. Umm, is this place secretly a harem?

“Hey Pae,” I interject mid sentence when suddenly, a manicured hand as large as a sugar palm leaf came thwacking down on my head. My transgender friend and owner of the apartment looked at me surlily.

“You’ve got balls to call me Pae, are you looking for a death wish? It’s Jessica!!!”

“No need to overreact, dammit Pae,” Before I could finish, Pae- I mean Jessica was close to stabbing me in the eyes with her stiletto heels. Luckily I had already persuaded her to knock the apartment price down another two hundred thousand baht. If not, then I would be slapping my mouth right about now.

“Yeah whatever, whether your name is Jessica, Amoeba, Paramecium, or something else, that’s your problem, just know that I’m a different species from you. I’m not the type to eye-rape every handsome macho guy I meet, like a certain someone.”

“I do no such thing! You think too lowly of me, Petch.”

“What about the guy next-door to the right? Is he hot?”

“Off the charts actually.” Pae’s eyes went sparkly. “He’s sharp, classy, doesn’t talk much, cold, but kind-hearted. Ooooh, and when he curses in Russian its super raw and sexy.”

“And the guy with the corner room?”

“He’s god reincarnated.” Pae said dreamily as she twisted her body left and right. “Handsome with a heart of gold. Whenever he sees little ol’ Jessica with her shopping bags he always volunteers to help carry them for her. He also speaks Russian but has never said anything not polite, Jessica’s like so pleased~”

“The guy’s probably gay.” I concluded. My theory that well-mannered men were homosexual had been proven correct many times already.

“Tsk, you really have bad judgement!” Pae retorted.

“And aside from this condo being your personal harem?” I transition to the real story at hand when suddenly the doorbell rang. Wide-eyed, Jessica reached for a mirror to check herself, then sauntered over to open the door. Looks like she already forgot that I own this apartment now. Appearing at the door was a foreigner as large as a Gorilla with a stone cold face comparable to the Stonehenge. Jessica leapt into his arms, reminding me of the dog at my parent’s place when it hasn’t seen me for a mere five minutes.

“Darling~” Jessica then ran back to drag away her 30 kilo suitcase, waving and smiling at me as if she’s off to go compete in the next Miss Universe. “I’m going now Petch, bye-bye, see you next summer.”

“Hey wait a sec, other than a harem you said there was something else here!” Not able to resist my curiosity, I chased after her. Jessica turned around, putting on an innocent face and sweet smile (Which I hoped to god I would never fall for. Heavens, I rather hang myself with coriander stalk tied around my neck instead).