Vision Quest

     Relief. Sunlight bursts into my bloodstream and slides through my veins. It reaches its silky arms out to radiate across my body in blissful waves. Euphoria slips over my mind and all my worries are silenced; the world becomes small and the voices are quiet again.

Instinctively, my fingers let go of the needle's carcass and discard it sloppily on the linoleum. I begin to lose all feeling and my body drifts dreamily into auto-pilot. The hours slip by like days as I curl farther and farther into the battered leather couch. There, I've done it. I've achieved total peace.

Then, the thick clouds barring me from reality begin to clear, and I can see a figure kneeling in front of my face. Words are flying from their lips but all I can hear is the buzzing of my brain. Leave me alone, I try to shout, but my tongue feels numb and useless inside my mouth. The more I focus on the figure it begins to take form as- oh no, oh no, oh no...

The beady eyes of my father stare at me, lit with a ravaging fire. He's screaming curses- I can tell by the way the lines in his face curve and stretch so harshly. I try to force a word out, to get to my feet, anything, but I may as well be my sister's flimsy corn-husk doll.

I fade in and out of consciousness; each time my eyes open the scene in front of me changes. I'm moving, but it's not clear how, only that I am making ground.

After what feels like decades, the world around me begins to materialize. I try to force myself upright, but a searing pain strikes my forehead and pulls me into a blurry daze. I carefully lower my head down on what appears to be the bed of my father's pickup. Through the slits of my eyes I see him, leaning on a tree trunk nearby and smoking a cigarette.

He notices me stirring inside the truck, and makes his way towards me as I will my body to sit up.

"F-Father," I croak out, daring myself to meet his gaze. He looks at me stonily, and continues to pull on the cigarette as tendrils of ash and smoke drift into my eyes.

"My miskwi may run through your veins, boy, but today, you are no longer my son."

Confusion and panic begin to set in. I try to form words, clear thoughts even. "Where are we? What day is it? Please, please father-"

He lifts a wrinkled palm to silence me. "Debise," he growls, "Enough. You will listen now, or you sooner won't have need for your ears. Do you feel the beating heart of the forest? This is your sacred space. This," he spreads his arms across the wilderness expanse, "is your altar. You will embark on your vision quest now. You will find purpose in your miserable existence, you will quit your addiction, or your corpse will provide for the creatures that make their home here."

My teeth gnash together rigidly as his words resonate. My vision quest. In my earlier teenager years, I would have swelled with pride to be offered this rite of passage, this chance to prove myself to my community. But today, the feeling is more bitter than sweet.

I had imagined my entire family would see me off, wishing me well on my journey and offering their counsel. I had imagined it would be a celebration of the steps I was daring myself to take, that I would be met with beaming smiles instead of the dark gaze in front of me. What had once been an encouraging promise for my future now looms as an unceremonious threat. Get clean, find the man inside of you, if he truly exists, or don't bother coming home.

"Nisidotaw," I muster, pulling myself off the bed of the vehicle. "I understand. I'm ready."

***

The glow of the summer sun is flickering and dancing in trails of yellow as it pierces onto the brush of the forest floor. It's as if the entire thicket of trees is sweating, dripping with humidity and coating the air in a warm, choking haze. But no matter how far the warmth reaches, it doesn't meet my icy bones.