Poisonous Habits

III. dark and twisted

"I don't know what it's like to not have deep emotions, even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely."
- a. r. asher

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    One question swirled around in my mind, keeping me awake at night, as I desperately tried to let the darkness take me.

How did I lose myself?

It has been 2 weeks since the funeral, the day I barely remember because I was a fucking coward who chose to ignore her feelings and drowned herself in liquor instead. I was not proud of my decision but at least I made it through that day.

I do remember sitting there motionless, friends and family surrounded me but at the same time I was miles away. I was aware of my surroundings but it still felt like I was a ghost, watching my body as it sat there, completely empty and plastered.

I turned on my side as I tried to forget the worst memory I've ever had. My silk sheets felt hot, and I preferred cold so I gave up on sleeping.

I stood up and walked over to my balcony and opened the door to let the cold night air in, goosebumps rose on my skin as I felt my exposed skin cool down, I let out a satisfied sigh and stepped outside.

I grabbed a cigarette and sat down on my cosy little couch. I got this couch from my mom because she knew that I loved sitting outside, the stirring feeling I got whenever I watched the night sky. She never understood why but it calmed her down that I wasn't in a park sitting alone, but in the comfort of my home, but now I felt like crying as I thought of her.

Her angelic voice as she spoke softly, her contagious laugh that I loved to hear and her warm blue eyes.

A soft knock on my bedroom door invaded my sad girl hour as Theo stepped inside. He looked around the room, puzzled when he couldn't find me. "I'm outside T, what's up?" He jumped a little at my voice but recovered fast and came to join me. His curly hair was a mess, and he appeared just as tired as I was. He was in his sleeping attire, but something was off.

"Why are you awake?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Come sit down, I feel small with you standing there." I tried to joke and make him smile but failed miserably.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, watching the moon and the stars shine down on us.

"I miss them." My throaty voice made Theo face me.

He focused on my face as he probably saw my eyes, slightly pink from all the tears I wish I could let fall but kept them at bay, my pride wouldn't let me cry in front of anyone. Not even my own brother.

He nodded, completely understanding the way I felt. "I know, it's not fair." He scratched his stubble; I knew for a fact he hated it but my mom loved it on him because apparently it brought out his beautiful features.

I felt my throat heavy with sobs that I desperately tried to stop from escaping. I felt his cold hand on my exposed shoulder and flinched a little, I glanced at it and gasped as I saw that it was covered in bloody bandages. He did it again. He saw my reaction and removed it, his eyes filled with shame and remorse.

"Who was it this time?" I demanded in a quiet yet deadly voice.

"I don't know, some jerk from the bar. He tried hitting on Carter while she waited for me. She told him to go away, but he yanked her arm just as I arrived. Carter was so scared. I saw red, Faye." He took a deep breath as his eyes seethed.

"It's okay that you defended Carter, but it doesn't mean that violence is okay. I get it; you need to let your anger out but can't you just look for a safer method? Like something that doesn't involve me or Carter cleaning up your knuckles or face because you picked on someone bigger than you could take?" I spit at him in frustration. I tried to calm down, but my anger got the best of me. "What if someone beats you to a fucking pulp?" I knew I was overreacting, but this wasn't the first time he chose violence. He would always choose to punch someone, the sick desire and the fucking blood thirst he had inside of him. We both did, but you didn't see me running around punching people. At least not yet, although Black Friday was slowly approaching.