"you smell like cigarettes..."
"The strong kind..."
"I haven't been smoking.."
I recently started smoking again to quit vaping and I want to quit that too but I feel like it's the only thing I have going for me. Like I feel so bleh all the time. I feel lonely and cold and I just need the nicotine and the warmth the cigarette provides. It's hard feeling this way but I do. Most people do. It's hard to love and live, like I don't think anyone cares about me and that sucks but we all have that feeling and cope in are own ways. I smoke and watch TV, you probably listen to music and watch anime. It's not complicated it just sucks.
I saw my first crush at Subway last Saturday that was great she looks great and is happy with my friend Brendon. He's an awesome guy and I'm glad it's working for them. I wish I feel the same way with my girl but we never do anything and it kills me but oh well.. I saw her leaning on a close friend of mine and I trust them but it's like I can't help but feel like I'm nothing. Like I can be replaced or that I'm just a distraction. I won't tell them that but I should.
This is just one of those nights where I want to die because I'm lonely. I have these dreams about my girl and me but in the end they are dreams that might not even come true. Like I'll write one of them right now.
She was in the bathroom while i was getting ready for our first night together, I opened the window to get it chilly in my room so when she gets in it'll be cold enough where we can cuddle under my blanket, after opening the window for it to be a little chilly in my room, I turned on Hulu and put on the nightmare before Christmas and paused it before it really began and then I shut the window right before she opened the bathroom door.
She walks into my room in her cute pajamas and starts to shiver as she walks in. I walk over and put my arms over her and nuzzle a little bit before telling her to lay down and get under the covers.
I then turn the movie on and lied down with her wrapping my arms around her stomach and the other one under her head. We watched the movie holding hands and being comfortable into each other's arms. Once the movie ends she turns around and says
"goodnight I love you"
And I respond "I love you too goodnight baby."
We kiss and get comfortable before falling asleep into each other's arms.
See that was one of my favorites. There was one where I just kiss her. That's all I remember from it. I leaned in and just did it. Something as small as that would mean everything to me. I've been through shit like we all have and just having company of someone we love would me everything to us.
That's all I got In This part hope you enjoyed my thots.
