DONAVAN

Chapter 8: Drug Dealer

After the fall out with Director Dowel, Sally came to talk to me. I sat at a office cubical with Danny's file and all its contents spread out on the desk in front of me.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I guess. I'm just extremely pissed, confused, and hurt.... I don't understand."

"I know it's difficult now, Jason, but it'll get better."

"I was closer to Danny than I was to our parents. Maybe he did tell me. Maybe I just ignored all the signs...."

I rested my head in my hands and gave a shuddery breath and damned myself silently to hell. I couldn't allow myself to break down. Sally sat down beside me. She took both of my hands in hers.

"Jason, look at me."

I kept my gaze fixed on the table.

"Jason, getting angry at yourself isn't going to solve the problem. It wasn't your fault."

"I let him die, Sally. He died in my arms and...."

My voice cracked and I felt tears roll down my face.

"I've gotta go." I said.
*****
I limped down the street and soon entered my apartment. I rented the apartment the day I found out I was back in the FBI. I sat my gun and badge down on the kitchen table and made my way into the living room. Danny sat on the sofa, his head in his hands. I didn't speak to him, nor did I hold his gaze when he looked up.

"Jase, I'm sorry, alright!" He said, pleading with me to forgive him.

"How in the hell am I supposed to forgive you, forgive myself! I let you die but you put yourself into that situation! Why? Why would you keep that from me? I could have helped you. I could have found the men responsible and ended all of this..."

In a fit of rage I punched the wall repeatedly, leaving several holes in the wall and finally collapsed against it, bursting into tears. A deep wail of anguish and sadness, that no one would understand, finally escaped me. My hand was bleeding. I felt Danny's eyes on me.

"Jase, I'm sorry. I couldn't let you get involved. He... He would of killed you."

"I would have stopped it, Danny. You would still be here and you'd be getting help. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

My crying continued until a knock on the door silenced me. Danny was gone. I brushed away the tears that rolled down my face before opening the door. Sally stood on the other side. She gave a shy smile.

"You left in a rush earlier. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay." She said.

I gave a shrug. "Why don't you come in. It's awfully cold out." I said.

She gave a warm smile and walked in.

"There's no need to check on me, Sally. I'm fine."

"Your hand is bleeding and there are several holes in the wall. Jason, you can't do this to yourself."

"Oh I've heard that damn line one to many times." I snarled, "Listen, if you really want to help me then leave. I need to be alone."

"That could be the worst thing anyone could do for you right now. You're a mess. Dr. Celia is one of my best friends and she told me about you. You need help, Jason."

"If you don't get out of my house in the next five seconds...."

"You won't do a damn thing." She cut me off, "You talk a good game but you're grief stricken. Jason, I'm here to help."