Welcome to this book. I don't know what else to write here because my brain is going on a rampage and I can't feel anything. How am I typing if I can't feel anything, you ask? Don't ask me.
*Interrupting this welcoming message to tell you that I just told one of the most known guys in my graduating class [and pretty cute too] to fuck off. He keeps trying to have sex with me.
"But Boogi if he's cute why don't you"
Well, reader, not only did he ask me, but he asked two (maybe more I can't remember) of Josh's friends, me, AND JOSH. So no, I will not have sex with this man.
That's not the only reason I'm not having sex with him, and I guess this could lead into the whole reason I'm starting this journal tonight. The other reason is, I don't want to be looked at like a mindless fucking machine. It's degrading. It hurts to know that the only reason someone is talking to you is to see if you'll put out.
*sigh* confession time.
I have had sex with this guy. Once. And I felt like absolute shit after.
There's also a friend I'm talking to online, whom I met in a livestream chat. He's charming and funny, and he's basically turning me into him. He calls me his mini-me.
Anyway, we were talking outside of the stream, and somehow the subject of sex came up. So that happened. That barrier was broken that night.
Some advice, once that barrier is broken, it's tough to go back.
After a few nights talking, mostly "sexting" or whatever you kids call it these days, I started realizing what I'd done. I'd ruined it. The relationship that we'd built up, the friendship. Shattered.
I sent him this two nights ago: "Don't you think it's weird that we're doing this sex thing and we barely know each other? ..." I don't even know his first name. Just his username on twitch.
He replied "eh, not really, because porn, you're basically fapping to strangers."
And this right after "but if you want to know more about me, just ask"
Of course I'm not going to ask that's going to make it weirder. So instead of asking and making it weird, I went bitchmode, because that's what girls on her period do, you know. I replied:
"I mean if I'm just your porn that's fine, but I thought it was weird because we're friends, I'm your mini-me, and we're doing this sex thing and we don't know anything about each other. I don't know."
And I proceeded to follow up with:
"It's probably just my mood swings acting up. You can ignore it if you want, it's okay."
So guess what he fucking did.
You guessed it.
This was around midnight.
The next day at 4:30, he sends me a message. "Hey. :3"
He ignored the whole thing.
*sigh* Hi, my name is Emily, what can I fuck up for you today? Oh, my own friendship? Done in an instant.
I'm so tired of being looked at as a mindless machine. I don't want to be people's porn anymore. I want to have a relationship again, like I had with Ernie. (If you're asking questions about what happened recently between Ernie and I, that's a whole different entry. I'll get to that next.)
It might be just my depression acting up or something, but I just realized I haven't had a good relationship in my life besides Ernie. All the others made me miserable. Even the crushes I had on people, now that I look back, if I had been in a relationship with that person, I would have been miserable as well. And that makes me sad.
Now this is bitchmode coming out, so "You can ignore it if you want, it's okay."
Why can't I have a halfway decent fucking relationship with someone? I just want to love and be loved, and not make it feel like it's a burden on any part of my life.
Even friendships lately. Like I have one friend that I even talk to anymore. Josh. I can't even fucking hang out with the guy becasue he's off on the days I work.What do I do now? Watch netflix and youtube and livestreams. and become morbidly obese. (that's not supposed to sound rude, I'm already fat, so don't worry about it)
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I CANT HAVE A DECENT RELATIONSHIP. I'm fat. I'm over 300 lbs. Yeah, that's it.
Maybe it's my low self-esteem.
Maybe it's because I don't look for the right kind of person.
Maybe it's Maybeline.
Aaaand the Holidays are coming up. The most depressing time of year for single people.
Awesome.
I'm tired of ranting now. I'm going to go watch TFIOS and cry.
Boogi out~
