There's this online friend I have... Not going to mention names for obvious reasons...
I always liked him, I guess. Not really in a middle school "i like that guy" way. He was funny, caring, kind, tough, with a heart of gold. He listens to people's rants, gives advice when needed, makes everyone laugh. He's just a good person to be around, even virtually. We started talking more on stream and had little inside jokes. Then he started bugging me to make a Steam account. So I did.
Things happened after I made that account. He added me, we talked every now and again.
We talked privately. No one else in chat, like in the stream. Just us.
Somehow, one night became very... sexual, for lack of a better word. I guess that's when I started to be attracted to him? Maybe before? I don't know. I just know I was very attracted to him by the end of that week.
I realized then that I knew nothing about this man. only that he's a decade older than I am. Never seen a picture, nothing. I asked him if he thought that was weird, and he said "I mean not really. We watch porn and fap to them but we don't know anything about them". that kind of hit me hard. I was just porn for him, nothing more. It wasn't personal, it was just for pleasure.
Then I got a message on fb from a guy who I had sex with once, and who'd been trying to have sex with me again. "we should fuck again" it said. That's when I broke. I replied and politely declined, saying I wasn't into "being people's porn" anymore and that he shouldn't be either. He should find someone he really likes and don't fuck it up with sex. He still apologizes to me sometimes.
Then the first guy (this is hard to explain without using names) just kind of stopped talking for a bit. He kind of dropped of the face of the earth for a couple weeks. I missed him then.
I was glad when I noticed him online on Steam, so I messaged him and asked him how he was. He told me that his Chinese pug had gone missing the day before, and that he found him that morning with his stomach missing.
I cried so hard, i could barely type back. Seeing such a strong-hearted man be in so much pain about a Chinese pug... it tore me up. it still tears me up.
I think that's when I started actually falling for him. but then, we didn't talk much at all. Occasional conversations on Steam, more so on stream. Nothing sexual at all, which I was okay with.
Now I get excited when he comes on the stream with everyone, because I just miss his presence.
I've had a rough couple days. I've been put back on antidepressants by my choice, and they don't seem to help my moods. They help my anger, I suppose, but I keep crying and hurting. You know, hurting in your heart and your head and your stomach so you just want to crawl in a ball and shrink till there's nothing left kind of hurt.
I was watching the stream tonight, and it was just me and him in chat, and I was ranting a bit with everything that's been going on lately, and then the streamer signed off for the night. Immediately he got on Steam and asked me what was wrong, the fact that he cared... that he was willing to bear the weight of my problems... it just meant so much to me. I hate being a burden on others. that's why I like Wattpad, I can rant and you guys don't have to read it ;)
Anyway, he said something like "You're too pretty to cry" and my heart started beating fast and I thought he felt the same and I was so happy...
for a split second.
Then he said "I sound like a father, don't I"
My heart stopped. I replied "a little weird, with our previous conversations, don't you think?"
"Nah we haven't talked like that in a long time."
"True"
"You pick, the way we used to talk, or father figure"
"I'll think about it"
Guys, I don't want either. I don't want to be his porn, and I definitely don't want him to be a father figure to me.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I haven't had a crush on someone in so long. I feel like I'm in middle school again.
I wont tell him. I wont tell anyone except wattpad that I like this man. I'm so afraid of rejection, and I know he will reject me. It's obvious.
I've never been this anxious about this shit. Well, since middle school, anyway.
My heart is still beating fast.
What the fuck is wrong with me, falling for a guy a whole decade older than me, who lives a state away, and wants me to be his porn or he wants to be the father figure and help me through my troubles.
What the fuck.
Why do I do this to myself.
I guess I'm done ranting for the night.
Sorry if this story doesn't make sense, with the whole not-using-names shit.
I guess people will figure it out anyway.
Whatever. Idgaf anymore.
I don't even know if anyone reads this. or will read it.
what am i doing
goodnight , journal. I'll see you another day.
Bye, Boogie Robots, love you guys <3
