I don't know if I like you

How we met

We met at April's party. It wasn't anything magical or special she just danced with my group of friends. I only said a few words to her before my breakdown happened anyway. I didn't even find out her name until the next day.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

There's too many people.

"W-what?" I asked. Who even is she?

It's too loud in here. I have to get away.

"I said are you okay?" She repeated.

"Um yeah. I have to go." And I left. Made a beeline for the bathroom. I thought I could escape but Hannah was in there. Beautiful brilliant Hannah. She always knew when something was wrong with me. Well I can't really hide anything as my emotions have always shown on my face. But she was good to talk to and I knew she'd never tell anyone else.

"I know you Lili. Don't lie to me. Tell me what is wrong." Hannah demanded for the twelfth time. She's very stubborn. But so am I.

"Nothing. I don't know. Maybe everything." She cracked me. She always did. She didn't put her arm around me and tell me everything would be okay. That's what I like most about her. She never lied to me, never gave me that look of pity. She just listened.

"Okay. You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. I just want to stay in here and cry."

"Okay, then we'll do that." And we did. For the next hour at least. She made me go out to the ballroom to eat dinner. I went out there but I refused to eat. We sat at different tables separated by different friends. My friends all asked why I wasn't dancing. Why wasn't I laughing and smiling and having fun. I shrugged and told them I didn't feel good. I told them I wasn't hungry and my head hurt. The only true thing I told them was that I couldn't leave. My mom was driving them home.

After dinner I returned to my place in the bathroom and whenever someone would come in I'd flee to a stall. The second time I was forced to retreat into the stall I started crying. I couldn't take it anymore. The fake smiles and laughs. The mask I put on was falling off and I couldn't get it back into place.

I couldn't handle seeing everyone have fun. I couldn't handle pretending that everything was okay with my friends. It wasn't and it hadn't been for a while.

That's when Emily came in the bathroom calling my name.

"You left your phone on the table. Your moms calling."

Shit.

I ran out to grab my phone and walked outside before I answered.

"Hello?"

"What's wrong? Why aren't you dancing? Lauren called. She said you were in the bathroom."

"My head hurts."

"You need to go be with your friends and look like you're having fun."

"Okay."

"You sound upset. I'm not hanging up until you sound happy."

Well I guess you'll never hang up then.

"I told you. My head hurts."

"Okay. At least go dance with them and try to have fun. I love you."

"I will. Love you too."

I didn't go dance with them. How could I? Even if my depression hadn't taken over I couldn't face them after they told my mom. How could she? If she was so concerned why didn't she come talk to me? There was no reason to get my mom involved. I was left with no choice but to return to my hide out. I thought it was bad before but now the water works were coming out. I must have lost a half gallon of tears in the next hour. I couldn't even talk or muster up the courage to come out of the stall when Hannah came in to check on me. She tried to get me out for half an hour before leaving.

Then it was time to sing to April. I only knew because Emily came in to tell me. I came out and listened to her candle ceremony like a good friend. But I couldn't help but feel sad as she talked about her awesome friends and think I want that too.

During dessert I guess I started to open up to my friends. Not the type of opening up where you spill your heart out but I laughed at a joke Meghan made and from there on it seemed a little easier.

They practically dragged me to the dance floor. It's not that I dislike dancing I really don't I just don't like their songs. The rap and pop that boomed over the speakers. I felt out of place not knowing the lyrics they all screamed or how to move to the beat. They all seemed to dance in sync. Like I missed a rehearsal where everyone learned the correct dance moves.

But there she was. The mystery girl that none of us knew. We all assumed she had no friends at the party other than April of course. Maybe she sensed my discomfort and thought she would be okay next to the misfit. Either way she danced with us and the strange thing is it felt like she belonged there dancing and smiling at me.

Soooo that was chapter one. I want going to actually write this but fuck it. Why not? Thanks for reading.