All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter (Book 1)|| COMPLETE

Under Pressure

I lay awake deep into the night, staring at my poster-clad ceiling, pondering what to do about Justin.

Do I tell? That's obvious: yes. He ruined my life. He could use a taste of his own medicine.

But how? And when? How do I hit him below the belt? What would do the most damage? It would have to be a public revelation, obviously; something in front of everyone. But how do I tell everyone all at once? Do I hack the school's PA system? Announce it over the loud speaker? Take a photograph, make copies, and tack them up all over the halls? Or -

I should do it during a football game. Something to take his sport - his identity- the very thing he's known for - away from him. Like he took everything from me. Wait! Not just any football game; the Homecoming game, the most popular game of the year. He's sure to be crowned king during the halftime ceremony. I could take it from him then. Run up, snatch the microphone, and tell everyone right there.

"Hey, everybody," I say hoarsely into the dark. "Justin's gay." The words hang in the air, echoing off the stillness. They'll never see it coming. But there's still one thing that I can't wrap my brain around.

If he's gay, why did he do that to me? Why would he do that, if he likes guys? I just don't understand. What was the point of dating me, of - of - of - getting physical with me? Now that I think about it, he didn't really seem to like it. It seemed more like we kissed and stuff out of obligation. Because that's just what high school couples do.

"But then why did you do it?" I whisper. Unintentionally, tears form in the far corners of my eyes. They pool over and run down the sides of my face onto the pillow. "Why did you do it and then lie and ruin my life?"

I roll over onto my side and close my eyes. I don't think I'll ever know.

School comes, and I can't look at him the same way. I'm sitting in English class, stealing glances at him from across the room. He's got his arm around Melissa, but his eyes on Jamal. I'll tell you what, this guy is a professional faker. His acting is so good, I wish he'd get nominated for an Oscar.

"Eyes up front, please!" Ms. Barnes chirps. I snap to attention. She sets the chalk down on the board ledge. "I'm assigning you your first paper of the year," she says, and the room groans. "I know, I know," she sympathizes. She's a good faker, too. "Springboarding off of the first journal prompt, I want you to write a five-paragraph essay on your name. Remember to include your thesis statement in the introductory paragraph, and to restate that thesis in different words in the concluding paragraph. The paper will be due in two weeks."

Great. I suck at essays.

"Now pull out The Sun Also Rises. Would anyone like to volunteer to read?"

No one raises their hand.

"Stephanie, we haven't heard from you in a while. Why don't you start?"

I close my eyes and sigh. Of course.

"Okay," I grumble. Even the teachers pick on me. Why is it so hard to be invisible?

I pick up where we left off, in Chapter 2.

"'Listen, Jake,'" I read aloud. It scares me, hearing my voice alone dominating the room. It's a self-conscious act. "He leaned forward on the bar. 'Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?' 'Yes, every once in a while.' 'Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?' 'What the hell, Robert,' I said. 'What the hell.' 'I'm serious.' 'It's one thing I don't worry about,' I said. 'You ought to.' 'I've plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying.' 'Well, I want to go to South America.' 'Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that.' 'But you've never been to South America.' 'South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?'"