13 Reasons Why (ONE-SHOT - BRYCE WALKER'S POV WHEN FIRST GETTING THE TAPES)

The Tapes

The house was dark and the lights were purposefully turned off, almost as if the person throwing the party was trying to compensate for the blasting music and the ever-present shouting and yelling of the people inside. The walls and floors inside were illuminated by a kaleidoscope of colors from the decorative string lights hanging around the house. Chips and popcorn littered the floor and nearly all the tables and countertops in the kitchen were covered in little containers from jello shots and cups abandoned by their owners.

I was leaning against the only clean part of the kitchen island just observing everyone around me. Nothing has really changed in this godforsaken town but at least now there was a precedent to look back at and frown upon. The prime example being the group of jocks pulling their over-eager friend off of a visibly wasted girl. I could see them whisper something to him and drag him off to the bathroom as one of the guys went to the kitchen where I was standing to grab some bread to sober up his friend and that girl. Normally, you'd think this was just a good group of guys, keeping their friend in check and helping him think rationally, but honestly, it was just damage control.

With all the attention Hannah's death got, there were whispers, passed around like secret notes in class, all over the school. People gossiped about all the different reasons she could have to kill herself: emotional instability, simply overdosing, a cry for attention that went bad, and most recently, there were rumors floating around that she was assaulted and couldn't cope. No one really knows the logistics of what happened except for Hannah but there was suspicion about who was responsible and blame started getting passed around like the Clap.

I wasn't really sure why I was here, but staying home on my own one more night seemed even less appealing than being back in the party scene. Originally, I'd justified it by saying that being alone at home was kind of depressing, but, if I was being honest, I wasn't feeling any less lonely now. I don't think I ever truly understood what it meant to be alone in a room full of people until today.

It seemed ridiculous but I was bored out of my mind and ever since I stopped drinking it seemed like I couldn't make excuses for myself. It's not like excuses could even be made if I got drunk, but I hated myself and the things that I've done. Nothing I could think of ever really made me understand the reasons behind my actions, but back then it was easier when I didn't have to think of consequences.

That wasn't the case now though. Jessica decided to bring up charges after she'd somehow gotten proof of what happened that night at the party and I had no options but to confront myself introspectively and in front of others. My parents' lawyers got Jessica and her parents' out of pressing charges because the evidence wasn't concrete (or something along those lines), but I had to agree to attend therapy and be placed on probation - hence the no drinking or partaking in activities that could lower my inhibitions and place me under the influence.

Someone next to me spilled something on the island, and that was all the incentive I needed to get out of the now crowded kitchen. I headed to the living room to find a place to sit but there were people everywhere. I saw some of my friends but hanging out with them started to feel more like a school assignment than something fun and without any conscious thought I ended up going further away from the crowds of people instead.

I walked up to the bathroom right off the hallway leading to the house's entrance and opened the door. Turning on the light I looked into the mirror and observed my reflection. I hated what I saw staring back so I turned off the lights and approached the sink, turning on the faucet and putting my hands under the cold water. It seemed nice, letting myself, or at least a part of myself, go numb. I wished that I could just wholly submerge myself like that, and just feel numb physically and mentally.