The Crush

|hellfire|

For cloud to find out has been one of my biggest fears. It's overtaken structure fires, which is difficult to do, but with this book I may be revealing it to the whole world. That's for you to decide.

Welcome to interaction #1
It was a day where the country celebrates something we know very little about, but feel entitled to be engulfed in the rewards. As night fell, noises filled my head, colors flashed, and music blared. The day began like everyday prior. With him at the front of my brain. We didn't speak, but I saw him from afar. To me he seemed perpetually confident. The way he checked his phone every 25 seconds like he was busy was fascinating. I began to wonder if he had anxiety too. I observed his movements as they were similar to my own. I fidget and glance at my phone in the same way. I remember smiling internally because I believed this is something else we could bond over. Anxiety is like a reversed fad. Everyone seemed to have it, but nobody wanted it. It wasn't cool, but you couldn't harass someone for having it because you probably had it too. His eyes never focused on an area. They wandered. I remember putting on a song that fit the mood. As I watched him converse with others, they lyrics suggested I was confident, but as I sat there it felt contradicting. It felt odd. I knew I could walk up to him without it being awkward, but I needed to prepare the words. I couldn't do it. I thought for a while of what to say, but I didn't want to cloud the way he thought of me. I went to bed ashamed. I remember doing my 11:11 and wanting to put his name so bad. I wondered why I was so afraid to speak openly about such an incredible human being. My brain talks about him all the time, so why is my mouth unable to form the sequence of movements that lead to his name. The term "crush" may fit in societal terms, but in my dictionary he falls short. He is not just a perfect person in my eyes. He is my star that shines on the nights that seem dark and cold. He is my rain that falls swiftly, but dries slowly. He is day and night, hot and cold, and every love song seems to go back to him. As I lip sync these words that describe mere fantasies, I picture him and it's dangerous. It's taken my mind for a joy ride that it didn't deserve to go on. A joy ride that would eventually lead to these words.

Welcome to interaction #2
Another holiday where the roots are unknown. I wanted to get to know him more. I knew a good deal, but I needed to understand why I felt this way. I needed closure. I believe my mind knows more than I could ever comprehend. My mind knew he had more to him, and I had to figure out what. This is the first time we conversed one on one. We spoke of the day and how it was cold. We talked about school and how freshman year was tough. Then, somehow we got on the topic of relationships. It just so happened he had just broken up with his girlfriend. To my surprise, I wasn't over the moon. I wondered why and if it was his fault. I wasn't going to ask though because I didn't want to seem like I cared. That's my flirting cue. Pretend you don't care. It doesn't work, but if you're awkward it makes you feel like they care in a weird way. I remember saying the least thought out sentence that I still think about to this day. " I have two crushes". Like, no you don't. Are you 12? You're speaking to someone whom you mentally praise on a day to day basis and you're going to lead him to believe you're a... nevermind. I don't know what led me to believe that those words were adequate in that situation, but it happened. His reaction was nonexistent though. It's like he wasn't even paying attention, and I can't prove that he was or wasn't, but deep down I hoped he knew. I wanted him to grasp my feelings for him in a secretive manner. He needed to
understand I cared for him, but he didn't need to tell me he knew. It sounds confusing and it is, but that's the teenage girl, right? We don't make sense. As we continued our conversation our words came closer together. We spoke of many things we had in common, which is a good bit actually. As the moon fell over, our voices faded into the darkness. As I lay in my bed I replayed the night over and over. I thought about my words and how poorly they were chosen. I missed him though. His voice was like honey. It's very stern, but unconfident. His lips seemed chapped, but were glazed over. He pursed his lips with assertion and determination. Every word he spoke was like a love song. Even if he stuttered it sounded heavenly. Some spell set across my horizon has left me feeling this way.

Welcome to interaction #3
This one I remember like it was yesterday.
Snapchat.
The center of all communication amongst youth ages 12-19. Our interactions on this app were limited. He would view my story and I would view his, but nothing would amount from this. At 13 I was low on self love. I needed confirmation from others that I was worthy. Therefore, I posted "sc this if you think I'm pretty". Who posts that? Either people who want attention from peers or are feeble minded. Perhaps both I presume? I'm still unsure of my intentions with that post, but the unthinkable happened. He SCREENSHOTED it. It felt like I was in a dream. It's a feeling you can only physically go through. To have your crush find you attractive is mesmerizing. Though I pondered if he was just boosting my confidence. If so, he cared therefore I was content. I was still overwhelmed though and didn't know what to do. I paced my room as my mind spun. I couldn't believe I was living. I thought back to a night in which I am not proud. If I left then I wouldn't have been able to live in this time. If the red shed then these moments would have never occurred, and that thought led me to grace. I now pranced around my room with happiness. I wouldn't post who screenshoted on my story for fear of conversation. I wouldn't ask him if he was serious for fear of an "accidental call", but what I would do was post a "who wants a tbh". The childish connotation associated with these posts are cascading out, but we still continue to do them. To say I tell the truth when providing someone with a tbh is a lie within itself. Especially with cloud. I wouldn't even give him the time. I would use very broad terms that could literally fit into any situation. My personal favorite "I'm glad we are friends". If this doesn't scream "it's more than that" than I don't know what does. Glad is the biggest understatement here. At this point we weren't "friends" mere acquaintances. We only knew of each other's existence and we appreciated each other silently. Glad had a negative undertone associated with it. "Glad" can mean so many things other than it's actual definition. So "glad"and "friends"makes no sense. He accepted it though and said "me too". How bland, but any words he typed were like magic. Any words he typed were enough for me. Any interaction was enough for me.

The night is said  to bring out the sin in people, and I can confirm that as true. I cast myself as a morning person, but the night does not scare me. Although I enjoy the sunrise from my crisp bedroom window, I can admire the stars and the way they shine and sparkle in the eyes of many. I think about unimaginable things in the dark. People call me "the quiet girl" or "pure", but if you could read my thoughts in the dark, your eyes would go white. To whom do these thoughts embody? Only the one you are trying to guess of course. Mr. Cloud himself. I know I shouldn't see him in this manner, but it's happened. I picture the darkness turning to a red as warmth spread throughout our bodies. Those lips I said were chapped now wet with a lustful substance. I imagined his hand against my own as we listen to songs that spoke of fantasies. I imagined the smell of cinnamon filling the room as the lights faded low. Tensions were high and my heart would pump incredibly fast. His eyes pierced my soul and his heart opened to me. As we would intertwine, all my worries would ravish away. The intoxication that twisted throughout my veins was addictive. My skin writhed with pleasure and pain. As my mind filled with dangerous material. Images of obscene material clouded what I believed was civil and appropriate. I blame hormones. Yet, if that is true mustn't I own to where this images came from. I'm afraid my mind has wandered to places I can only regard as despicable. How I got there is still unknown, but I can tell you I've been there. I've clicked, typed, and viewed many things I must open up to. I can't consider it curiosity because I'm afraid it hadn't crossed my mind often. I believe it was mental peer pressure. I wanted to be knowledgeable on something many seemed to know the ins and outs of. I hope your mind has arrived at the destination I have granted to you. The material displayed upon these deleterious sites entrances hormonal teens for reasons I cannot confirm. I do not consider these sites terrible as there will always be a market for such materials, but I don't think they are accurate. As most things on the internet are inaccurate, these sites portray mainly fantasies that to a feeble minded being could be true. These sites do hinder the mindset though. I'm ashamed to admit this as I write, but it starts at chain of reactions as you own up. These sites have made me see cloud in a manner I've forbade myself previously. It makes me question what I'm after, and if such is right. I don't enjoy these thoughts as I feel guilty and wrong. The way his name rolls of the tongue and tastes like heaven sends me to places so far from here that I tend to distance myself for fear of furthering my intentions. The hellfire that encompasses my body burns every tendon I possess. The hellfire that once was ice, now ignited by this one human being you've yet to guess. The hellfire that makes my eyes fade to his shade might be invisible but is within us all. The hellfire brought forth is what fuels this feeling. This feeling that he is within reach of my love. Yet, to know deep down this false is a notion I must not deny. As I have regarded as true, but my feelings have yet to secrete.