The Lions Den

Chapter Eighteen: When The Lion Must Bow Down

Matteo

The only plausible way to describe the feelings I felt when I saw that bastard holding on to la mia vita was paralyzing. The only thing I could feel was this primal instinct to kill him, location and witnesses be damned. Any sense that I had left me within the blink of an eye, and it happened so fast that it almost scarred me. I was normally over-cognitive of myself, my actions, and my words as to maximize the affects of them. There was rarely a moment in time in which I let myself go so much that I let my discipline and levelness take a backseat, but unfortunately today had to be one of those moments.

When Kashera all but tackled me into the wall, I was pissed off even more at her for her throwing herself in-between us. She could've gotten hurt, by me at that, and having to face that particular reality was not something I wanted to do so I kept my most sane and true self planted in the back seat and away from her. It was almost as if everything that was going on was occurring outside of myself and my control. It was an out of body experience and unfortunately that meant that words flew out of my mouth without a thought about the implications of them, or a care in the world about who they might've hurt: Kashera included.

It was easy for me to pin my anger on her and make it appear that she was apart of the problem when that wasn't the case at all. In that state of mind,I didn't think about anything or anyone outside of how I could project my anger onto them. There was no room for me to understand how bad I fucked up until she loudly made the comment about her becoming my ex. When the words came out of her mouth I got launched with no padding or protection of any kind back into the drivers seat: and the impact was excruciatingly painful. Everything that had been said, everything I'd done hit me with a vengeance in a hot second, and it felt like hell.

The protection that came from my separation left with her as I was forced to let her go away from me. Brooklyn was right: I didn't deserve to talk to her before I had prepared the apology of a lifetime, and I wasn't even sure if that was going to be enough. I knew that I would have to get a grip on the real reason that I'd allowed myself to lash out that way, and furthermore be able to articulate it to her. The thought of the battle ahead of me had my head throbbing, and I hadn't even gotten to the thick of this battle I was currently waiting on.

From the moment that Clementine pulled off from the gas station we were parked at he was silent as a mouse. He didn't say a word to me as we drove to the compound that Kashera would more than certainly not be at. I didn't care though. He could be mad for whatever reasons that he wanted to be, and I'd let him. He'd get over eventually. Papa on the other hand, was not going to be the same by a long shot. The moment we pulled up, Clementine got out the car, but not before telling me to make my way to our dad. I was sitting in the office now in the chair across form his desk while Clementine was sprawled out on the couch. The door came open with a slam and I rubbed my forehead with the pads of my fingers.