Alex From Target 5: Fandoms and Other Confusing Shit

Alex From Target 5

"Daquan what the fucking fuck you're supposed to be dead!???!!!" I exclaimed.
"I know right?" he said. "I honestly have no idea what happened."
"Wait, what's the last thing you remember?"
"I remember Shaniqua." he said shamefully. "She was nice. I meant to kill Alex."
"Well you didn't! You know you're a murderer now."
"At least I'm not a psychopath like Alex."
"High-functioning sociopath. Do your research."
And suddenly Alex turned to me. "just so you know, my name is Sherlock, not Alex. Also I'm gay. I actually have a boyfriend named John."
I staggered backwards. "I thought we had a connection. I was going to be Sara from Target! Why must you do this to me, Alex? Douchepants!"
Then Daquan spoke up. "I'm not going to shoot anybody, I just want answers. Why aren't I dead?"
And then the lights flickered. Appliances short-circuited and sparks flew everywhere. The doors to the restaurant flew open with a bang.
A shadowy figure stepped through the door. I realized it had begun to rain.
"Steve from Gas-And-Sip?!?!?!?!?!!" screeched Alex/Sherlock.
I was confused. So was Daquan. "Who are you?" said my undead ex.
"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."
"What's perdition?" I asked.
"It means hell, ya idjit. Cas here is being all fancy and stuff but that's bullcrap. Just say hell like a normal person, why don't you?" Said a gruff voice.
"Bobby Singer?" I exclaimed. "I thought you got shot!"
"That was in that TV show, not the real world."
To make things more complicated, I heard a sound like a dying walrus repeat over and over again. The wheezing continues as a blue box materialized in the center of the restaurant.
"And now, Clara, you'll see... wait where the heck are we? I think I made a wrong turn somewhere. Oh, whatever. Wait shit shit shit. Um, just walk around that. Don't worry, the fire will put itself out... probably."
I was so fucking confused.
I raised my hand timidly. "What the fuck is happening?"
Bobby sighed. "Ok, this is Cas, also known as Steve from Gas-and-Sip. He raised Daquan from hell and I have no idea why."
"I didn't mean to." Cas/Steve said.
"How can you accidentally pull someone out of hell?" Bobby asked. "Idjit. Anyway, this here is Sherlock. He's a sociopath and he's killed at least one person. This is the doctor, he used to have a bow tie fetish but I'm not sure anymore. Any other questions?"
"Do pigeons have feelings?" Daquan asked.
"Shut the fuck up Daquan." Sherlock/Alex and I said in unison.
I was so confused.
I heard a motor running outside. "Get in loser, we're going shopping." finally a reference I understood.
"Regina George?" I asked.
"No what the heck I'm Daquisha from Whole Foods." Said the person who had driven their car into a restaurant.
I was really confused.
I sat down in confusion. Sherlock and the bow tie fetish man started arguing. "Pluto is a planet." I heard. "No it's not." I heard. Meanwhile Cas called someone named Dean on his cell. "Dean baby, hi. Um. We have a weird situation over here. Ok love you too."
Bobby was muttering about how everyone was an idjit under his breath. Daquan was being a weird dud and muttering something about fandoms having gifs for everything.
"Hey guys! Want to listen to our album for free?" I heard someone say.
I turned to see Luke Hemmings smiling like a fuckin idiot. Then a magical-haired moose burst into the room.
"Fuck off Hemmings no one gives a shit." said magical moose man. He was followed by a hot dude who was probably Dean and probably about as straight as a slinky.
Across the room, I heard bow tie fetish man's girlfriend shout "VIVA LA PLUTO FUCK YOU!"
I put my head in my hands, confused. "I just want everyone to stop talking!" I yelled, exasperated.
And then the conversations ceased.
"Whoa I bet you got magic mind powers or some shit." said Daquan. "I bet you need to go to some special mutant kid school."
Professor X entered next. "I'm here to take you away to a special place where we can cultivate your powers" he said.
"What. The. Fuck." I said. Then the gay guy came over.
"No, she's coming with us! We need her for... reasons. Like, she needs to help us find this thing, um.."
Suddenly the sound if a gunshot crackled through the air.
Luke Hemmings dropped to the ground.
"I've been shot..." he said dramatically. "Tell my fans... the key to a happy life is..."
And then he died.
"Finally." Said gay hot guy Dean.
"What was he saying about the key?" Asked magical hot moose puppy man. "I mean... if... there's a key then... there must be a lock."
"What's behind the lock?" I asked.
"It's the key to happiness. It's not a real thing." Said Bobby.
"It's a metaphor duh." said Augustus Waters.
"Wait he's not dead." said Sherlock.
"Um how do you know?"
"Trust me. I know a few things about faking your death."
Then the song Fake Your Death by MCR came on. Gerard Way burst into the room. "If he comes back to life I will freak. His music sounds like shit."
Gerard flipped his hair like the diva he was and then sashayed out the door.
And then, just when things couldn't get worse, I heard footsteps and the screams of fangirls.
"Oh no." whispered Steve/Cas.
"What is it?" Said the hot bisexual one.
"It's fangirls." Cas said, his voice taking on a terrified tone. "From Tumblr."
*Cue dramatic music*