personal

im not depressed. im just not happy

i dont care if no one reads this. i just want to do this. if you read this. whatever this is.. then okay, cool. i just need somewhere to bitch and complain. just to let somethings out. oh, and i love tom delonge and michael clifford. 

....

Today is November 1st. Yesterday was halloween. I've been in highschool for about 2 months now.

people change. shelly, montana, matthew, and dreyden arent my friends anymore.

i dont care. they upset me.

they make me sad and really self conscious. so its okay that i dont talk to them.

it makes me feel better when i ignore them anyways.

dreyden bullied me.

im friends with brittney, mickey (i dont know how to spell it, sorry), natalie, lilly, kaitlyn, hailey, daniel (the ginger), Julia (i think..), and daniel the kid who hangs out with britt. but hes annoying so i dont care.

im really into blink now. like alot. their music makes me happy. so does 5sos.

Im not depressed. but im not happy.

school is okay. my classes are okay. my teachers are cool i guess.

the other kids in school dont talk to me.

or look at me. im happy for that.

i like to be alone. some people dont leave me alone.

it gets suffocating.

i sort of want to leave. move in with dad. start a new life.

where people dont know how ugly i was as a kid.

where people will know when to talk to me and when to shut up.

where i dont break everything i own.

i own 3 ipods.

i broke them all. 

the white one i have. i broke today. 

it made me sad.

i almost cried.

i told myself not to cry. because sad people cry. 

i cried after that.

i keep telling myself in not depressed. im just sad.

i think thats a good thing to do. be the optimist. 

sometimes thats hard to do.

im going through a alot. 

i dont think it looks like that though.

no, i doesnt look like im going through a lot.

no one sees it. not anyone.

not my mum, not my brother, dad or even my friends.

to them it seems like everything is okay.

its not.

im scared. i dont know what will happen.

im 14 years old. ive never had a boyfriend. ive never been kissed. ive obviously never had sex.

i dont want a boyfriend, a kiss or to have sex. having that stuff means being around people.

i cant do that. people freak me out.

im not okay with dad. sure as hell not anna. i think theyre still mad at me.

i didnt do anything. except for being a bitch.

im always a bitch.

annas a bitch.

the worst stepmother ever.

my mum is okay. i love her. 

she gets suffocating sometimes. i still love her.

james and my mum have been married for about a year and a half.

james left to go visit his kids for a week or so.

hes still gone. hes still coming back.

anna left to go to college. anna is james' daughter.

shes nice. so is ben, his son. i think.

ive only ever met ben and anna twice.

ben is my age. hes really smart and chubby. 

in a way.. he intimidates me. its because hes reall smart. im not. ive always been conscious about my intellegnce. 

james has another daughter. she has 2 children. ive never met them. or her.

her name is maggie.

i have a cat named maggie. she hates me. 

i have another cat named mistree. she kinda likes me. but not really.

shes like that with almost everyone.

i have a dog names bones. i love him so much. hes black, and fat.

he doesnt like me either.

im not depressed. im just not happy.

.....

.....

um. that was long. i think. 

if anyone read this far.. then, props to you. im boring. but its okay because i dont care. 

ok bye.