Under

Before

Life was great, until I turned 8. Then every thing I thought was mine suddenly wasn't. My mom overdosed, my brothers and I were stuck in the apartment unit someone finally decided to come and check in on us. The drug addicts kids, the ones she forgot she had when she face planted into a pile of crack.

I remember hearing the sirens, and my neighbors screaming that she was dead. i stayed alone with a 4 and 3 year old for 6 days, making noodles, changing diapers, replaying Handy Manny because that was all that would get them to stop crying for our mom.

I remember the cop that picked us up, his name was Albert. He kept taking into the walkie on his shoulder, asking for an ambulance. We were okay, just scared because thats the longest mom hadn't come home. After they took us from the hospital, they didn't bring us back home, instead we went to this big building that had many rooms with beds and a bathroom in each. we stayed there for 8 days, still no mom. On the 7th day, a guy came to my room, he said his name was Tom and he was our social worker. He told us that our mom wasn't coming. We were going to stay with someone new, only one of us would get separated. One home had two spots, he asked if I wanted to go with one of the boys, or let them go together.

I wanted them to stay together, so they wouldn't be alone. I ended up staying in the building for a while longer, the workers would bring me Barbie's. I hate barbies, my mom knew not to buy them for me, their arms and head would just get torn off, princesses gave you a false narrative. My mom never had her Prince Charming, I never even knew my dad at this point in my life. I was separated from the two people in my life, that ever really mattered. little did I know id see them 4 more times until 7 years later.

I met my biological dad 3 months after that, it was September it was warm out nice summer breeze. He seemed safe, he comforted me, told me it was going to be okay. He brought my aunt with him. I recognized her, she used to take me out to the park, she was my favorite cousins mom. I missed her, but she was crying. I didn't like that. why was she crying? Did something happen to my mom?

The day I met my dad, we went to the Japanese Sun Garden. I loved it, there was so many cherry blossoms.
He asked me if I wanted to live with him, told me I had a little sister. She was 4.
Same age as my brother Isaiah. A sister huh, that might be cool. He took me swimming at a big pool at the hotel he was staying at. And told me he had to go away for a little bit, and he promised when he came back, it would be to take me home. It sounded pretty cool, I have a dad. He wants to take care of me, no one has said anything about my mom still.
I ask Tom when I see him what happened to my mom.
He looks at me through the rear view mirror, "she's in a facility so she can get help kiddo. When she's feeling better, I'll take you and your brothers to see her."
I look out the window, all the leaves are turning brown it's so gloomy in Portland. I think I like this weather.
He takes me to a home instead of the big building. He tells me the ladies name is Nancy, and her husbands name is frank. They have a daughter named Sammy.
I don't like her, she touches me and tells me touch her.
She'd tell me if I didn't she'd tell her mom I did and get me in trouble.
I just want to see my mom. I want to be with Isaiah and Edgar. I want to go back to our home, and watch blades of glory. I don't like it here.
They make me go to a Jewish church,  I'm catholic.
They don't let me pray. They don't let me do my own hair, my mom would let me do my own hair. They put these box braids on me.
All the black girls bully me at school for taking their hairstyle, i don't know how to tell them I had no choice. So i stay quiet, I sit in the back and make myself small as mouse. Maybe they won't notice me.
That seems to be a big thing these days, me being smaller all the time, being quiet, not being noticed. I think I like it this way.
When I'd visit my mom, when they finally let me, she was in this smaller building with a lot of other ladies with kids.
They had weird snacks, but I got to spend time with my mom. And that was cool. Except, she always looks so sad.
I remember the first time I saw my mom and my dad together. My dad doesn't know how to smile, he looks in pain. It was pretty funny, he looks like he's going to poop himself.
He took me home that same weekend.
I didn't see my mom again until I was almost 18 when I went looking for her.
Nobody told me the moment I stepped on that plane, my life was going to change for the worst.