At times I feel complete hatred towards you
You killed parts of me that others can never view
I once wasn't afraid to express how I feel
Now I keep it all inside & reduce everything so I can heal
In private, though the disrespect I received was very public
The things I endured at your hands, most couldn't stomach
Several times I contemplated exposing the world to your faults
I've danced around the thought & could still waltz
Instead I try to push the memories to the back of my mind
When in actuality, it's like a movie & I keep pressing rewind
I remember the first time, couldn't even call to check when I was carrying your seed
I should've closed that chapter right then, no I stayed & now there's more to read
2 weeks later you ran up & knocked me to the floor
Made a mess of the house & ran out your mother's front door
So many signs to up & leave, but no I still held out hope
And with your ups & downs I learned to cope
It was like you were chipping away pieces of my sanity
And I didn't hip the world to you, I let you keep your vanity
Now that I have a way to vent, this was stupidity in retrospect
Hindsight is always 20/20 & much easier to interpret
Instead of pondering why I wasn't good enough for him to do right, I should've left
But the mastermind had already mind-fucked me, so I digress
You cheated with an ex, an enemy, a friend, and someone I once called sis
Had me thinking I was lacking cuz you downed me to fuck them, the part that had me pissed
And in order to save face & protect your rep, I started telling lies
I kept having to find concealer for those black eyes
Stayed in the crib for days to hide busted lips & torn ear lobes
Not once did I call the police, because that went against the code
You allowed me to look like this horrible person than to admit your treason
I never understood how someone with a daughter could do this to someone else's for no reason
I encountered death threats, pushed through doors, broken windows, and beers to the face
Broken doors, jumped by your hoes, broken furniture, and blood stains all over the place
That little room attached to your friend's garage...in there I thought this was defeat
When you flipped that table into me & pounded my face into the concrete
The thing is, it was done with no remorse or hesitation
All of this while I was at 24 weeks gestation
I tried to crawl away so I could go see about my unborn
Instead you forced me to help you clean up what you just stormed
You took the keys & I found the strength to wobble away
Only you came running after me full speed from a block away because of some words I did say
You grabbed me by my arm, dislocated my shoulder, and dragged me down a city block
Kicked me dead in my back & I thought that beating would never stop
And there is the ugly truth for all those who never knew the real
And that shit kills me every day, not sure if I'll ever heal
Then you had the audacity to call to turn off my phone while I recovered in the hospital
But I paid that damn bill & I'm like really...is this possible??
To say you're bipolar is a complete understatement in my eyes
To be an Aries, you're a true Gemini, Dr. Jekhyll & Mr. Hyde
And after all of that, I still was there & looked out for you
Somehow you convinced me this was my fault & you know what, that's partially true
Because God gave me all of the signs & it's like I couldn't level
For I was trying to walk with Him but was holding hands with the Devil
A few months later you finally did what would set me free
You went & got in another relationship and I could yet again breathe
I wondered, should I warn shorty, because only his mother ever warned me
I sent up prayers for her & hoped that ugly side she never got a chance to see
I felt conflicted shortly after when you announced that she was carrying your child
Flashbacks plagued my mind because here you're preparing for this one, but you murdered mine
Turned around and had another with a girl who jumped me while I was pregnant by you
The disrespect was public as ever & I didn't want to believe it was true
On the outside I was so numb that I couldn't even react, so it was my feelings that I hide
I choked back tears several times because I had to maintain my pride
I thought I recovered when I met the next, I felt more at ease
Nearly 3 years in & he said sometimes I act as if love is a disease
Because I lack the ability to express that which I truly feel
And I hate it because he deserves more, and I'm fearful for real
It's like I want to soar above, but I don't know if I can still be that pilot
Because when they ask about fears, I say none, but when they mention love, I get quiet
All that shit you stripped of me & you still expected me to be cool
For over 3 years with you, I was that...a damn fool
Even though I hold no romantic feelings for you, I still can't hate you
When you had to have that surgery, I literally prayed for you
I know now that you're lost & can't find yourself within
A narcissist indeed & I know from where it stems
Even with all the help for you and yours I did yield
You still treated this like we were Tyson & Holyfield
As much as I do feel, nothing is hateful
I found my strength and I'm actually grateful
The thoughts are horrendous & memories are truly gorey
But be glad I didn't use your name when I told my side of the story
Because my happiness is something you so selfishly stole
Now I understand why dude said "I hope someone loves you back to life because that last one took your soul".
