You will be found

Her / you deserve this pain

She was beautiful and strong no matter how much she said she was weak. 

Im a mess. My mind , I cant contain my own self, but no matter what they cant be let out. She loves me but knows nothing about me.Shoulld I tell her about them ..."of course not you littte bitch, who would ever love a monster like you". 

And thats how I knew my mental states were getting out of hand . My anxiety ,depression , and innsomnia. I didnt want it to come to this but possibly my BPD (borderline personality dissorder). Its not as cool  as the movies and anime put it to be. Normal people are super self critical even when they are perfectly fine. I just think they want acceptance and to fit in with society. They complain about how no one loves them , but they really dont know how it is to be abandoned and left to rot. But most of all that no one loves them romanticaly, like shut the fuck up they do . You just wont accept it for society. 

But then i found her. She changed me and made me hate things a little less. She thought i was strong but i wasnt. She came first before anything , but I was a happy. But not happy enough so I tried to disscuss it with them. I was an idiot for thinking my personalities could help. All they did was tear it apart . The love and relationship i worked hard for gone in seconds. All I could do was watch the chaos. She broke it off. I wanted to expalin and tell her how i could be a better girlfriend but it didnt come out . I got angry , that was the biggest regret ever. I lashed out in a passive aggressive , saddistic, and just evil way . I just wanted to die , was that too much to ask? So I took matters into my own hands and tried to kill myself several times but it didnt work. So this must mean something big is going to happen soon.

Dont get me wrong im not a psycho or anything but i need someone who will accept everything i am . Like my own "Belle", like in "Beauty and the Beast".  I learned from that mistake . But who could ever love a beast. Im the bad guy , she made me look like one. Plus I must be ok with his because I have to be strong . No thats very wrong . I found that its ok to step down and look into yourself and cry. And being Bi is ok ,any sexuallity too. So many beautiful and wonderful people that are willing to give you that chance , dont take it for granted. I sudenly feel lighter like Iam slowly feeling ok and better with myself.