The Push and Pull of You - A JenLisa short story

Part 5: There's always wiggle room

I run back outside and an officer tries to stop me on impulse. I tell him I just need a minute then walk towards you. You look at me with confused eyes.

I take a deep breath.

They never prepare you for these things. But now I think I'm prepared to risk.

"Jennie," I breathe your name between my lips. "I have an answer."

"To what?"

"What I would tell myself more than 4 years ago."

You chuckle nervously. "You went back here to tell me that? You could have just told me over text, doofus."'

I shrug my shoulders, licking my lips nervously.

"I would have told myself to stop overthinking."

You scrunch your eyebrows, obviously lost. "Okay?"

"I would tell myself to stop overthinking and tell you how I feel. Even if it hurts." I see you look at me like you're preparing yourself for the worst. "It wasn't your fault that I distanced myself from you. I distanced myself because...I have been in love with you, Jennie Ruby Jane. For the longest time."

You look at me with confused eyes, mouth open. You've stopped breathing, but I push myself to continue. I can't keep running away. From the truth. From you.

"I was so, so worried about losing you. But I continued loving you even if you didn't want me and I had to keep away to stop myself from wanting more of you because it hurt. So much." I rush through my words because I'm worried I won't get the chance to tell you these things again and if I stop, I might not be able to tell you the truth. "I need to tell you now and be brave, but please know that I'm not asking for anything else you can't give. I just want what we had back. It broke me being apart from you and barely talking to you."

Your tears have now begun to flow and you begin sobbing. "Lisa..." You whisper, the break in your voice also breaking my heart. I brace myself to feel hurt as I know you can only offer friendship.

My train of thoughts gets stopped by you launching yourself unto me, your lips sealing mine. I linger on the warmth of you, the perfection of you, the home of you, Your lips probe a little but is still shy, and I don't mind, just staying in your comfort. But then I feel you wrap your arms around my neck and demand to go deeper and with so much want and immediately I was catapulted to exactly how I remembered kissing you then, even more.

I break the kiss with a little gasp, trying to get a little air in. You laugh a little unto my lips and I feel lost in the spontaneity of this, but the way you look at me makes my head spin and feel more confused and vulnerable. You seem to feel this and set your forehead on mine, grabbing my cheeks and anchoring me for a bit.

"I've been in love with you for the longest time, too, Lisa." You murmur into my lips. "I'm sorry it has also taken me some time to tell you. I'm so sorry for hurting you," I kiss you again and this time it feels softer, laced with both relief and lament, of a love discovered and a love that's leaving. I break the kiss and sob unto your embrace. You start crying on my shoulders, too.

"I really wanted to tell you, too. I wanted to be brave today, Lisa. I really did. But I'm in Singapore now. And you have a life in Seoul. I can't do that to you. To us. I can't hurt you again by telling you I love you but not knowing how to move this forward."

"I know it might be too late, but Nini, I want to be where you are. You are the perfect reason to take a risk. I just want to follow you wherever you go," I tell your worried eyes. I tell all l that I've been thinking, all of what Jisoo's and Chae's stories made me realise. "And I know I need to fly out tonight. But can you trust that I will try to find my way to you?"

You nod, eyes red with tears of either relief or pain. I grab your cheeks and look at you longingly, and seize you for another hug.

"I missed you."

"I missed you so, much, too. It killed me every day, Lisa." I embrace you closer, and you launch into another round of sobs. We take a few minutes just hugging each other, wishing the hurt away.

"We wasted a long time already. I hate that we're doing this only now," You chuckle a little at my sniffles near your ear. "But can we talk more about this? Because I can't live my life being a coward anymore and not telling you how much I love you. Please. Let me call you when I reach Seoul. I now know I'll do everything to be with you if you'll have me. Please?"

You hug me tighter and bury your head on my shoulders and I wish right now that I wouldn't have to go. Why do these kind of goodbyes happen at the airport?

I whisper on your hair, "I have to go," and you nod. I let go of you, but your eyes have a different picture on them. They paint of longing, of a love I can finally come home to.

"I'll find my way to you, okay? Please wait for me."

"Are you sure?"

"I love you, Ruby Jane. I am sure of that. Tonight, let me just go to Seoul. But I'll be home with you, soon."

You nod, tears running through your eyes, and it breaks my heart but it makes me glad finding a new push in life. I smile my last smile for you today, but this time, I bring with me the hope to start a new life with you.

"Then I'll wait for you, Lisa. I love you, too. I can't live life without you, again."