Dear Eds, (Na, that's not good)
To my loved Eduardo, (Nope. Not better)
Hey Eddie Spaghetti, (ok, no that's stupid)
Eddie,
I know you'll never read this. But I feel like I must write this letter. I need to tell you all of this. Everything I feel. Maybe in a weird, strange way you can read this, cause your ghost is still here or something. I wish I could have saved your life, but I wasn't able to. I couldn't make it. Couldn't take you with me. The others told me, that I had to leave you down there. That I couldn't help you anymore. It destroys me internally. I wish that you could see yourself what happened to all of us after we killed the fucking monster. After we killed IT. We haven't forgotten what happened in Derry after we got back to our normal lives. Well, we didn't really get back to our lives before the whole thing either. But let me start from the beginning.
Let's start with Bill. Bill still writes books. He had a glow-up. The stories are better now, and he finally knows how to finish his books. At least, I think he did. They don't always have to have a happy ending, but the readers have to like them. He's still writing his new book, but he told me and the other losers what it is about, and I think it sounds like a book with an ending that most readers could possibly like. It's going to contain our story in an interesting way. Him and Mike also discussed the idea of a book specifically about IT. How that thing terrorized generations before us. It had to have been in Derry for hundreds of years, maybe even more.
Speaking about Mike. He plans to leave Derry and everything behind. He wants to start a new life in Florida like he said when we were younger. He is going to make his dream come true. I wish him all the best. He deserves it.
Remember the elephant who is no longer in the room? This guy got the beautiful and only girl in our group. Yeah, that's right. Ben and Bev ended up together. They are a really cute couple. I'm a bit jealous. I always thought Bill and Bev would end up together, but I was wrong. I mean, yeah, Ben loved her since we were kids, that was obvious. But I never thought that this would happen. He wrote her a poem back then, isn't that cute. Bev told me what Ben wrote in his poem and it was really good.
Now let's talk about me. About what happened to me after all that. Well, it's difficult. I - I really don't know how to start.
After all this, I tried to live my normal life the way I did before. When I was a comedian. But, I couldn't. The memories were hurting too much. I couldn't stand on stage and make jokes while I'm hurting inside. While my heart is ripped into a thousand pieces. I couldn't make jokes, while I knew that two people are missing. Two people who were really important to me. And I didn't even know that for about 27 years. Now they're gone. You and Stan. You're both gone. And that's what makes it so hard. So hard to live a normal live. Stan wrote us a letter. He explained why he did what he did. He wrote that he was too scared to go back and that he knew that if we weren't together, if all of us alive weren't united, we all would have died. So, he took himself off the board. He also wrote and I quote: „I lived my whole life afraid of what would come next. Afraid of what I might leave behind. Don't. Be who you want to be. Be proud. "These are the lines that hurt me the most. There is a secret I haven't told anyone. A secret I kept for 27 years. A secret I didn't even know I had for 27 years. But when I came back to Derry, I remembered the secret. Now I'm gonna tell you about my secret. It's too late now but I have to do this. I loved you. Not just as a friend but as a lover as well. Ever since we were kids. And I still do. Even now that you're dead I'm still very much in love with you. That's what kills me the most. I wish I could wake up with you right beside me. But your side is empty and you're not next to me. But you're not on this planet. You're somewhere deep down under the house in Neibold street. I'm so jealous that Bev and Ben get to have this. They wake up next to each other almost every morning. I mean, I'm happy for them. But I'm jealous, because I can't have this with you. All the others ended up with a happy life. They're even happier than before. And then there is me. I was the one who was always laughing. Now I am the one who's always crying. I cry every night till I fell asleep and I'm even crying while writing this letter. I cry, because you are not alive anymore. My tears are dropping down on this piece of paper. It's hard for me to see what I'm writing, because my eyes are filled with tears.
I don't know if I'll ever get my happy ending. I only know that it wouldn't be with you. The others are there for me. I guess they know about my feelings. Even if I haven't told them yet. Bill told me I could live with him till I feel better. I think I'll do this. I need someone who's there for me. Someone who takes care of me. We don't wanna lose another loser, right? Living on my own is too hard for me at the moment. I thought about coming to you. But I'm not brave enough to do this. I'm also not brave enough to stay alive. I decided to get help. Help from my friends. They told me it's not important how long it takes me to feel better. It's more important that I take the time I need to feel better. Losing the love of your life is the hardest thing that can happen to you. You'll never get over this. You just learn how to live with it.
There is one last thing I need to tell you. Remember the kissing bridge? I carved our initials in back when we were kids. I went back there before I left Derry and made your initial more visible.
I love you Eds. And I always will.
Richie.
„See, the thing about being a loser is you don't have anything to lose. So be true. Be brave. Stand. Believe. And don't ever forget, we're losers and we always will be." –Stan in his letter
