The Practical Zombie Survival Guide

Forward:

This is a very straight forward and practical survival guide in the emergency of a zombie takeover. Let's start with the basics on the next page. For now, however, let me tell you that I am a professional in the art of zombie-slaying (I've survived eighty levels on Black Ops, which makes me an instant pro at this stuff), and everything I say, you can take completely seriously.

Let's start out with the most minor of the minor stuff. We will cover all of these more in depth later on. What is a zombie? Well, a zombie is the rotten, decomposing corpse of your loved ones, or of just a random stranger. Zombies like eating people, mostly brains, when available. If a brain isn't available, then a zombie will settle for munching on your skin.

How do you kill a zombie? Well, the easiest way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the face. Or, if you have a lot of balls, stab the poor soul in the head. Aim for the brain, that kills them. If you can't find the frontal lobe, then just try to sever the head. That can keep it from nomming on your body, and you can use the head as a soccer ball if you get bored.

Where should you make camp? Making a camp is very important. Try somewhere easily defended, and remote. Like a mental hospital (make sure to clear it out first), or a prison (clear it out too).  Farms are good too, as long as your best friend doesn't try to kill you there. If you don't have a best friend that will try to kill you, farm it up!

One more point that we should cover before hand. Zombies can't feel pain, and they don't get exhausted. Don't try to run, you will eventually die tired. Humans are apex pursuit predators, we simply outpace our prey, and zombies do much so in the same way. Except they do not get tired. They will chase you. They will chase you until you collapse from exhausting in a sweaty, bloody heap and sink in the muck and the mire. Don't try to hide, they will find you. Their olfactory senses are, according to rumor, incredibly defined and attuned. They can smell you from miles upon miles away. Don't even attempt to wrestle them. These things are like Liam Nelson. They have a special set of skills. They cannot feel pain. Their bones, while breakable, will not affect their ability to kill you, your friends, your family, and your pets. Do. Not. Fuck with the zombies.

Now, remember some important things that we will cover in the following chapters.

1.) Friends are important, but only if you can trust them. If you can't trust them..well, don't.

2.) Keep a stockpile of weapons close by. They can save you. Duh.

3.) Food. Food is very important.

4.) I'll cover other stuff later.

So, try to remember the most important fact as you read on. Please, for the love of God, remember that this Survival Guide is NOT a Zombie Survival Field Manual, and should not be consulted in times of dire need. This Guide, can however, outline some points that you...

Ok, its not gonna help much. But, if you get cornered and didn't follow rule number two, just throw the guide at the nearest zombie. There is no book version of this guide, but tossing your phone, chromebook, Kindle, or other reading device at a zombie won't really do much good. If you're lucky, it will make just enough sound to distract them. But, you're not lucky. You're in a zombie apocalypse after all.

Thank you. And stay alive!