Stop

two.

I had to drive myself back to my house. I couldn't be in the car with my parents.
I had to drive back to the house where so many people packed themselves inside and brought food to say "sorry for your loss."
I couldn't bring myself inside.
So now I'm here, outside smoking a cigarette.
She hated when I smoked, but I couldn't help it.
I'm sitting on the side of the house smoking when I hear foot steps.
As quick as I can I put it out and hide it at my side.
I looked up and saw Gus, again.
"Hey", he said quietly, "you can keep smoking." And he pulled out his own.
While we both lit our gross habit, we sat quietly.
I couldn't stand the silence so I spoke first,
"Are you following me now?"
"Just thought you could use some company", he gave with a small smile.
"I guess I could", I huffed, "only if it's good company."
He nodded and inhaled smoke, "I'm the only one here, so good enough I guess."
"You know, I'm really sorry..", he started before I cut him off.
"Don't say it. Please don't say it. I don't want to hear those words anymore." I told him
He nodded again, "okay then I won't."
We sat in silence for a while. It was nice to finally not have to hear the voices of other people.
Then he started talking, again.
"Your sister really was a great person. She was a really good friend and was there whenever somebody needed her.", he admitted
"I know she was", I said quietly, "she was perfect."
He shook his head, "she definitely wasn't perfect, nobody is."
His words confused me. My parents always went on about how perfect she was.
I think he noticed how confused I was because I got my answer.
"Your sister may have seemed perfect to everybody else, but we knew her better." He said
"I thought you guys didn't hang out a lot?", I questioned, "I never saw you around."
"Your parents didn't like me very much after they had to pick Amanda up from my house very drunk." He laughed
This was news to me. I never once heard about my sister ever getting drunk or doing anything she shouldn't be.
"I never knew about that.", if was my turn to admit to him.
"That's because she was good at hiding it. Maybe they didn't tell you to keep up appearances.", he suggested.
Very typical of my parents. Of course they did.
I nodded my head, "That makes sense. Something they would do."
He nodded his head along with me and then we were quiet again. We just inhaled and exhaled the smoke, while I stared off into space.
I couldn't stop thinking about where she was that night. Who would want to hurt her?
I looked at Gus, "hey. Do you know where she was when..when you know, when she died?" The words felt bitter in my mouth.
He sighed and shook his head, "we didn't talk that day. I wasn't at school. I wish I was."
"Do you know who she was close friends with?", I tried asking
"Yeah, she was good friends with Angela. You know dark hair, drives a red car?"
I nodded my head, "unfortunately yes. She picked her up a lot, really annoying girl."
"She is really good at getting on people's nerves", Gus laughed at me
I looked at Gus again. He has a really nice laugh and I really like his pretty pink hair. I wonder how many tattoos he has. I subconsciously rolled my eyes, great time to check out a guy.
Suddenly his hand was waving in front of my face, "you okay there?"
He looked concerned.
I shook my head trying to bring myself back to earth, "yeah. Guess I just checked out for a minute."
I looked down at my cigarette and realized I let the last bit burn down to ash. Damn. I shouldn't waste these. It's hard enough to get them underage.
I shuddered thinking about talking to Dan again.
Dan was the weirdo 21 year old who thought it was cool to talk to kids still in high school, but he bought me cigarettes so.
As if reading my mind Gus then asked, "how do you even get those?"
I raised an eyebrow, "well how do you get them?"
He shrugged, "I have a fake ID."
My mouth dropped in surprise, "and it works?"
"Yup. Scans an everything.", he gave me a sly smile while nodding his head
I grumbled. "I have to get them from some weird older dude. I hate having to talk to him. He always tried to get me to go to his house and hang out", finger quotes around hang out.
He laughed at me yet again, "is it Dan? I used to get them from him too, but then I got this and I was free."
"Well aren't you a lucky duck", I said sarcastically
"You know, maybe if you're nice to me I'll get some for you when you need them.", he told me. This time he was the one with the eyebrow raised
"I'm letting you talk to me, am I not?"
"Well yeah, but I sense if we keep talking I'll be getting a lotttt of sarcasm."
I shrugged, "maybe you will. Maybe you won't."
"Well then, maybe you will be getting cigarettes, maybe you won't, but it won't be from me with that attitude.", he says with a smirk
I really don't want to deal with Dan, but I don't want to give this stupid boy the satisfaction of my obedience. I smile. I'll pull a Rose, honor her in some weird, twisted way.
His height is about to become my advantage.
I look up at him underneath my lashes, and pout ever so slightly, "Gus, I really don't wanna go talk to Dan, the way he looks at me makes me so uncomfortable. You're so much nicer."
I see the look on his face and know I've already won, even if he doesn't.
He inhales sharply, "how the fuck do you both do that?"
I continue to look up at him, "a skill I learned from watching her, she learned it on her own because she's a genius."
The smile on my face falters. She was a genius.
He sees this, "you're both so smart. I'll give you my number and you can text me when you need them then, or if you need anything."
"Why are you being so nice to me?", I ask looking away
"Because I want to be." He shrugs
Because your sisters dead that's why.
I nod, "Okay. Thank you."
I hand him my phone to add his number.
"You don't have many contacts."
I roll my eyes for real this time, "thank you for noticing I have no friends."
"That's okay I don't have many either.", he laughs slightly
"You're always around people."
"Real friends, Ella."
I swear my heart almost stopped hearing him say that. Only one person ever called me Ella. It sounded nice when he said it?
I didn't know I could ever miss her this much. Didn't think I would have to I guess. It's different missing somebody because they moved away, it becomes a passing thought. You can always call them, text them, hell you could even hop in a car and drive to them if you really missed them that much.
I can't do that. I'll never be able to see her again. Never hear her singing in the shower, never hear her laughing in her room down the hall. She'll never walk into my room just to see how I'm doing and claim she had to come in because I never leave when I ask her why she's in here- fuck I wish I left my room a little more. I wish I had invited her in, anything to make this pain stop.
I know how.
A small smile across my face, I stand up.
"Where you going?"
It's my turn to look down at the still sitting boy.
"To make this fucking pain in my chest leave."