healing prison . woosan

one - hospital

[ NARRATION ]

san wanted to cry.

he hated hospitals with a passion, yet here he is, sitting infront of a psychiatrist - or a doctor. he's in a hospital for those who are physically, mentally and emotionally ill, the hospital he was left at.

"name?" the doctor asked, snapping san out of his thoughts. san wasn't sure why this was necessary, but he thought that it's probably for information and more comfortable conversation.

"choi san." he replied, fiddling with his fingers. he was nervous, but he didn't know why.

the doctor nodded, "age, and.. reason for coming here?" san mentally rolled his eyes.

'is this doctor stupid? of course i came here because i needed to. i'm both mentally and emotionally sick. physically, too.'

"twenty-one. depressed, diagnosed with leukemia, and physically hurt or abused." san quietly said. the room was quiet, only the noises of breathing and pen can be heard.

his parents abused him few days ago, and left without a word yesterday. to say that he was happy was an understatement. he was delighted. he can finally get away from everything they did to him. where did they leave san? here, at the hospital. again.

when san was just a new-born baby, his parents left him at a hospital. he was sent to the adoption center, and when he was ten, someone wanted to adopt him, but his parents claimed him again. and yesterday, he fought with them, so they brought him to the hospital and left him.

san shook his head, he is not supposed to think about this right now.

"okay so, i need you to fill up this survey so we can match you with a roommate." the doctor handed him a survey.

san looked at the doctor, "seriously? i can't get my own room?" he was in disbelief. he hated having roommates. it's one of the worst thing.

the doctor nodded, "yes, you need to have a communication with atleast someone that you match with." he motioned to the paper, telling san to answer.

san blew his bangs upward, and answering without any word. he stopped at the final question.

have your parents ever triggered something or did something to make your depression even worse?

san thought for a while. it wasn't a hard question, it was so easy. but he had to choose from his memories to answer.

san wrote his answer and gave the doctor his paper. the said man checked the answers and computed san's results.

"here's your room key. your roommate is jung wooyoung, and your results tied. the both of you are currently the highest." the doctor handed san a small key, and ordered the nurses to bring him to his room.

room 366.

he remember talking to someone who was in the room 366, and that someone's name is jeong yunho.

"sannie, you know that my room number is 366, right? this is not the meaning but i'd like to convince myself. 366 means you always matter. you contains 3 letters, always and matter both have 6 letters. it's a way of cheering myself up."

san smiled at the bitter memory. jeong yunho was the only person that accepted him and took care of him. san almost accepted himself, but he found out that yunho died. he died while convincing himself that he matters, because even though his subconscious brain believes it, his conscious brain will always oppose to it. he died because he cut his vein, and lost a lot of blood. all while he tried convincing himself.

the nurse stopped san infront of the room, then left him. san used his key to open the door, but stared at the scene once he opened the door.

there were droplets of blood on the floor. he followed the trail of blood, which led to the bathroom.

he opened the door, and a dreadful scene greeted him.

a man is sitting on the floor, panting. he was continuously cutting himself, and san looked at the amount of cuts from chest to feet.  too many to count.

the boy brought the knife closer to his arm, where his vein was. he was about to cut it when san spoke,

"stop. you'll lose too much blood." the words tasted salty in san's mouth, and he mentally laughed. how hypocrite of you, choi san.

the boy looked at san, his eyes were wide and teary. he looked like he was crying for quite a while now.

san walked towards the boy, and enveloped him in a hug. it was.. the feeling was... new to san. he never hugged anyone aside from yunho, which was few years ago.

"cry, just cry until there are no tears left." san whispered.

it was hard. he never comforted anyone, he never became the person someone can cry on. he was always alone, with no one. but here he was, comforting and hugging a stranger.

once the other calmed down a bit, san started to speak.

"what's your name?" he softly asked. he didn't want to shock the other because of his hoarse throat.

"wooyoung. jung wooyoung." the boy managed to choke out between his sobs. he cried even more after saying 'jung', so san rubbed his back.

"c'mon, let's get out of here and talk outside." san helped wooyoung in standing up, bringing him to the room. he helped wooyoung change his clothes, and sat down on a bed.

"so.. what happened?" san tried asking. he still wasn't used in communicating with others, but he knew he can't leave wooyoung alone.

"my parents.. they visited me... i was surprised. why would they visit me? i thought they would apologize to me, but i was wrong. so wrong. they called me words, they told me i should've never been born in the first place. that my mother should've had an abortion." wooyoung muttered. san looked at him, a bit shocked.

"i.. how can they say that?" san asked, which was more of a statement. san knew the exact answer to that, but he couldn't think of saying that to the other.

because you don't matter to them.

"b-because i don't matter to them." san looked up at wooyoung. that was the exact answer to san's question.

san sighed, "come on, let's get to bed. we're both tired, plus, you should get some rest.  just don't press on your cuts." san told him.

"okay, but you're telling me your story tomorrow, okay?" san smiled and nodded at the boy.