Sink First

Mia is Consistent

How old am I?

            26.

    I still pick my scabs, still leave dirty dishes in the sink, still walk on the backs of my shoes when I'm in a rush. I still lose anything and everything. There's still a ring missing from my left ring finger. My thumb still looks for it to turn and my heart still drops when it can't find it. It's like I'm losing it for the first time every time. I still make bets I won't win. It's the possibility, the innocent hope for a victory that I bend to every time. I still believe somewhere under a mass of insecurity that God favors me and that out of everyone, and all the times before, I am still worthy of a win.

Theres that, but there's also tequila, heat exhaustion, and a shitty bloodline. If you know nothing else, know that I'm consistent.

I was free falling naked and the world was quiet. There was no shame, not even the rush of adrenaline I'd hoped for. There was nothing until my body hit the water and chlorine burned through my nose and throat and then everything came back at once. The laughter, the shouting, my name being chanted like some holy word. Mia underwater sounds like a multitude of things.

    I thought about staying under. How long could I manage before my lungs flexed with the desire to inhale? I wanted to test it but the circumstances weren't right. I was at a party. I was drunk. I was naked. I floated to the top and my eyes met Daniel's before anyone else's. I climbed out of the pool expecting his gaze to make me feel vulnerable and exposed, but instead he smiled and lifted a bottle of Red Stripe in my direction. 

You could create an entire story out of the things his eyes didn't tell you which is what I often did. My mind ran off on tangents creating theories on who I thought he was and what he might have been thinking. I spent time trying to find imperfections, something that gave him character, but there was nothing. In fact, as beautiful as he may have been, he was absolutely boring.

Before it could register that I was still naked in front of strangers, a beach towel was being wrapped around me and my best friend was hugging me. 

"I can't believe you just did that." Yara was holding me so close I could feel her heart punching through her chest. The party moved on around us and the moment no longer mattered.

    "You know I never renege on a bet." I winked at her and she blushed. She was probably feeling some sort of second hand embarrassment for me. She was quiet and careful, pretty and brilliant. If you couldn't get Yara to do something, then chances were high that I would. This was a fact so true that everyone knew, but it still only ever surprised Yara.

     "Well, Daniel always comes up with the worst ones. I lost a bet last month and had to eat a cricket." I felt her shudder at my side.

Daniel gave her the warmest smile and she moved to him without being called. He gave her his hand and their fingers locked. It was new to see her in love. She was usually the kind of girl who took her time and fell in love well after her partner, but this was different. She'd only known him for 3 months, but they were living together, she was calling it love, she was calling him the one. I wanted to be skeptical. I wanted to look him up online and find all the bad things up front so that she could be ready when life did what it always does. But seeing them together right now, I couldn't summon the energy to do anything but admire it. My thumb found my ring finger, fully expecting something to be there and my heart jerked wildly when there wasn't.

    I left the backyard to go inside and get dressed. My eyes roamed across the sea of white marble in their kitchen. It ran all along the counter, the walls, and the floors. Stainless steel appliances, geometric chandeliers, glass tables, all inside a glass house. It was only months ago that I was sending Yara pictures of houses like this, lusting over them and saying things like, "I hope it happens before 30".  That was before Daniel and his magical anonymity. He'd swept her right off her feet and didn't put her down until she was living out her every dream.

    In the bathroom, I stood naked in the mirror deep breathing and letting my mind run empty. I decided I liked me enough. Your body at 26 isn't your body at 19. My mother would have rolled her eyes and stretched her arms to use her own body as proof that 26 was still the fountain of all things youthful and desirable. And I knew that was true on some level, but there was still no denying the change, the weight, the premature wisdom of this new body. It knew things that my mind hadn't yet been able to grasp. There was a disconnect.

    I brushed my hair, shoulder length and thick, until it was big and stretched out around my face. Tears ran down my cheeks to my breasts. My eyes were round and bright and I looked like art.

    "Mia?" Yara was at the door.

    I wiped my face and threw on a t-shirt that fell to my knees. "What's up?"

    "Do you want pizza? Everyone's leaving and Daniel's gonna order."

    "Yes please. Sausa-"

    "Sausage and jalapeños." She smiled as I opened the door. Seeing her face I exhaled.

    "You swear you know me." I rolled my eyes.

    "I know you better than your mama."

    I slid into a pair of shorts, "I love you more than your mama." I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug using my leg to bring her closer. She laughed and pushed me away.

    "I get to wake up everyday to both of my soulmates. Every time I say it out loud I wanna cry a little." Yara's face fell into a dramatic frown and she drew a trail of tears down her face with her fingers.

    "Oh, relax. I'll be out of here soon." I promised.

We walked arm and arm down the stairs and back into the kitchen where Daniel was sitting shirtless on the counter.

     "Sausage and jalapeños, babe. Like I told you." Yara went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water before standing in front of him with her arms resting on his thighs while Daniel called in our order.

    "Mia thinks she's moving out soon." Yara told him when he was finished the call.

    "Well maybe she should" He shrugged when Yara glared at him. "The two of you together can be a pain in the ass." He was smiling and even though she was trying to be mad at him her eyes were full of love.

    "I hate you." She smiled and kissed him twice quickly. I smiled too and looked away.

    "That's exactly why I'm leaving soon. Being a third wheel sucks." I fell onto the couch and turned the TV on.

    "Third wheel? You're our third counterpart in this thing," she answered.

     I looked for Daniel's reaction and like most times, there wasn't one. He mostly let Yara and I talk our shit and stayed out of it. It added to the list of things I wondered about him. Like how I'd spent the last month living here since the incident and I still knew nothing about him. There were no stories from his childhood, no friends who'd known him longer than two years, everything below the surface seemed to only be reserved for Yara and I guess that was how it should be. But it still made me uneasy. When I asked her about it once, she became just as evasive as he was. She said, "I know everything that I should." I left it alone because I was really good at minding my own business. I was really good at being self centered.

    "You sure I'm not overstaying my welcome? I could probably rent a cheap room somewhere until I get back on my feet." I probably had said this once a week and I was aware that I sounded like a broken record.

    "Having you here is a life highlight. You can stay until you're ready."

I didn't say anything. Even though Daniel's silence was louder than usual and even though he wouldn't say it, I could feel it. I wouldn't say anything because deep down I didn't want to leave. I didn't want lonely nights in hotel rooms where I'd have no choice but to deal with reality. I would ignore the nagging feeling that that things would get no better than they were in this very moment. I ignored the feeling that things could only get worse because I am who I am, and if you know nothing else, know that I'm consistent.