I'm not sure I'll ever have the guts to send this, I'm not sure if I'll ever bring myself to go back in time. Cause I've been telling myself for months that looking back isn't an option, that I need to look forward.
And I honestly think it is a great idea.
But the thought of maybe having you back as my best friend trumps that in my mind more than not. It's scary. So fucking scary.
That there's a world without you.
The one I'm in currently, it fucking horrifies me. But I also need to remember that you're a different person now, just like I am.
And I know that we'd never be able to just go straight back to being best friends cause it's not logical at all.
I know that because the line between love and hate is so fucking thin and fragile that I think we destroyed it months ago.
Because I fucking loved you.
More than I loved my family, any of my other friends, any guy I've ever said I wanted to be with forever.
You were better than all of them.
In every single way.
You hurt me.
So much.
And I hurt you.
More than I ever wanted to.
Because hurting you hurts me.
I can't count how many nights I've cried myself to sleep thinking about you being disappointed, angry or upset with me.
And there's been so much I've wanted to tell you. So fucking much.
Every time someone says your name it's like the wound is still fresh, that I haven't healed from it at all.
And it's like the wound covers my whole body, cause it feels as though my whole body is going to shut down.
What's more annoying is that my immediate reaction is to spurt hateful words I don't mean. To go into defensive mode.
What hurts most is in those moments I remember us planning our futures together, living in a flat together doing dumb shit. Just like we did on our little holiday, that will forever be the best memory I have.
Our little escape.
Our little haven.
Our little forever.
I just wish it wasn't so little.
I wouldn't be surprised if I sent you this while on the verge of passing out drunk, so know that drunk bitch means every word.
But so does sober me.
This is so cheesy and I hate myself for writing this the way I have but it feels so freeing.
Anyway, hope this doesn't make you more upset than I know I've already made you.
I wish I could take it all back.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
And I miss you.
